Rejoice Always

Time...

2012-01-14T14:26:00.003-06:00

The other day I read that the two biggest time wasters are not finishing what you start and complaining about how you don't have enough time.

This resonated with me because I certainly do plenty of both.

If I finished everything I started, even if I limited myself to finishing only those things that are worth finishing (because maybe not everything I start is) how much more could I be, do, and accomplish?

And although I often (if not always) feel as though I don't have enough time for all of the things I want to do (and be), is it really the amount of time or the way that I use my time that makes the biggest difference?

I haven't per se made resolutions for this new year...I mean I kind of have, but more so I'm trying to re-think my "plan of life" and the small choices I make in my day-to-day. How can I stop make excuses, stop giving up, and start living more fully? What is really holding me back?

Holiday Cheer

2011-12-25T15:25:00.002-06:00

Hidden Creek Revisited, November 2011

2011-12-04T11:27:00.006-06:00

It's not terribly cold, but the air has a sharp, dry feel to it. There is a sense of open-ness around me, because the trees have lost most of their leaves. All can be seen, all is exposed. It calls my mind to the opposite - walking into the nature sanctuary in the summer when the air is moist and thick and the leaves on the trees and bushes make a canopy above and around you. Both things, the air and the leaves, make you feel enveloped, hidden. In the late fall you feel naked, laid bare before the world, uncomforted. I stand on the bridge and lean over the rail. The creek is lined with those bushes that have red berries this time of year and lose their leaves late. Staring down I see the layers - lime green leaves and red berries flutter over the fallen brown leaves on the wet black earth beside the creek. Then the water in the creek reflects the layers all back up again, down and up.

Church bells toll somewhere in the distance. I really wish I could visit the summer version now without having to wait six months. But so it goes.

The Heat

2011-11-20T14:20:00.004-06:00

From April or so to October several farmer's markets operate in downtown Chicago. I held off at first, but once I started going it became like a hobby to me, an offshoot hobby grown from another hobby, reading cookbooks. (Which in a way is an offshoot of another hobby, going to the Harold Washington Library. But of that later.)

Anyway, I discovered that they make cook books on the exact theme of taking full advantage of the farmer's market, or your CSA, or whatever, and I even found one written by people in the Chicago area so it was exactly oriented to my market's offerings at any given time. And, it being a mild fall, the pickings stayed good right through the very end of the season.

So I began planning my weeks around what I would buy at the farmer's market and when I would cook it, and then secondarily figuring out what I would cook with the things I bought on spec and when I would cook them, etc. Even though I vowed I would never buy anything on spec so as not to risk it spoiling in my crisper drawer, but then I did it anyway, because in any creative pursuit I live for the challenge.

As we know, per this blog, I have liked to cook for quite some time. But because I work and am somewhat "busy" at times, I have always focused mostly on finding "quick and easy" meals that are also tasty", and this often means relying on convenience foods - frozen or canned vegetables, pre-made elements, etc. And while that's all well and good, once I started cooking with fresh-from-the-farm-up-the-road (in which "road" is understood to be highway and "up" is considered to be "within 200 miles or so") I discovered how very much better it really is. I mean. Not to be a snob. I still work and I still understand why people fall back on convenience foods and I'm not judging...I just think the alternative tastes really really good. That's all.

Now, though, in a way I'm wondering if I should re-think, now that the markets are closed so I have to work harder to get anything fresh and local, and now that the days are very short, and after months of doing this I am feeling like I never have very much time for the things I want to do, other than shopping for food and cooking (and cleaning up). Which, I do enjoy, but that's not to say it's the only thing I ever want to do. So I'm trying to force myself to buy more things at the grocery store, to restock the freezer and the canned goods, to use convenience foods at least every once in a while.

I suppose the key is to find a balance, something which, as we know usually eludes me...

Brussels sprouts and portobello over quinoa, with of course a healthy shaving of Parmesan cheese

Ten Years

2011-10-09T20:35:00.003-05:00

On or shortly after 9/11/01 I realized, if I hadn't realized it before, that peace is something I care very much about. I, for some reason, decided to wear a peace related t-shirt every day for the next 30 days following 9/11. (I was very in to making t-shirts at the time.) By the time that month ended on 10/11/01, the U.S./NATO had already invaded Afghanistan.

Ten years later I'm struck, for some reason, by the memory of those t-shirts. Peace, I think, is still something I care very much about. After ten years of war it does seem to me that I should be ten times as passionate/working ten times as hard. It's funny, though, and very very sad how quickly you can learn to not be outraged, or how quickly you forget.

Pieces of the Whole

2011-10-01T13:43:00.006-05:00

“What did I, out of all of this, want for myself? I couldn't have told you. My brother Simon wasn't much my senior, and he and others at our age already had got the idea there was a life to lead and had chosen their directions, while I was circling yet. I know I longed very much, but I didn't understand what for.” -Saul Bellows, "The Adventures of Augie March"

The summer after my freshman year in college I went to Haiti. After six years of studying French, I had enough of a grasp of the language to be able to make small talk with local high school students and serve as interpreter for the girls I was traveling with. Being able to speak French really enhanced the experience for me, and I remember feeling like six years of French class had all lead up to this, that maybe I had learned French for this exact purpose. And I was very grateful that I had - even if my French was only for that, it was worth it.

The following fall the French semester class I wanted to take was full, and the following Spring I took my first Spanish class. Neglected and unused, I fairly rapidly forgot most of the French I'd ever known – I can still summons a bit, but very very little. All facts which support the conclusion that, without ever knowing it, I did study French for six years with a specific end in mind.

It's helpful to me now to reflect on that and be reminded that I don't know where my life is going, and I don't know what the different parts are going to add up to, or towards what they're leading me.

See, at this point I've accepted and made my peace with the fact that I may never know what I'm going to do with my life, because there may not be one main thing, one career, one purpose this is all tending to. There might be, after all, but there might not. Not everyone has a career, I suppose, and not everyone's life's work takes the form of one main kind or body of work. I may be one of those people. My life may be more or mostly a string of experiences that aren't leading up to one final “oh I get it now” kind of thing.

And if that's the case, I'm okay with it. I did feel such a compulsion after college to “figure things out”, and it was hard for me to accept that I might have to try some different things out for a few years before I finally hit on what I wanted to do. Once I accepted that, though, I still thought that after an interval of five or so years I would eventually hit on that “one thing” that I was going to do.

Now that it's been five years, I'm realizing it might take a lot longer to figure out. Or I might not ever "figure it out". And that's okay, too.

It could all be more like learning French.

We'll see!

Root Root Root

2011-09-02T13:05:00.007-05:00

It doesn't matter if they're 6 games back (or 10, or if they're winning...whatever), one thing I love to do in the Chicago summer is go to a White Sox game.

I'll probably never be one of those die hard baseball people*, but there is just something so classically enjoyable about sitting in the stands with a few good friends on a beautiful summer's eve. (In May when I had to wear my winter parka it wasn't, strictly speaking, my favorite. But we're long past that now.)

Of course it is awesome to see the boys pick up a W, but everyone knows that the game itself is only part of the experience. The ballpark food, the beer, the people watching, the jumbotron, and your friends make up a fair percentage of what you love about it.

Jumbotron

Friends

W

Juan steps up to the plate

*Stay tuned for when I check back in as a die hard baseball person - you know, with a scorecard, and knowledge of strategy, and memorized stats, etc.

Montrose Point

2011-08-28T14:41:00.000-05:00

Can you believe this is in Chicago?

Just because I let months go by before posting my last installment of Chicago Parks, doesn't mean I have to let months go by before posting the next one. I am working on some other posts, but this is fresh in my mind, and, at any rate, ever so germane to a summer's day...

So the topic: Montrose Point. Also the intended topic of this post, at a time when it was rather less inviting...

In the downward arc of summer, however, it's an amazing place. The nature sanctuary certainly wasn't overrun by birds that day as it's not exactly the right season, but the fields of wildflowers were enough in themselves to make it awesome. The fields of wildflowers in the sanctuary are traversed by a maze of trails that turn back on themselves, so that I never knew where I was. It also made it seem like a very big area, which was nice because it wasn't just one little point right in the middle where you felt like you were away from it all. It was a very nice place to meander, enjoy the fresh air, and watch for butterflies, which were abundant.

Going north from the nature sanctuary there is a nice large beach. On this particular day there was a strong wind, so the water was choppy and not great for swimming. In fact, the lake was blown half way up the beach which was kind of funny - half the beach became like one big tidal pool, which was fine for wading and splashing your friends, which many people were.

Trespassing lake

Windsurfers

The lake proper was beset with whitecaps, but I guess that made it a good day for windsurfing or this thing:

Which on further research I find is quite appropriately known as kiteboarding. It seemed like a very easy way to get blown away and die, too, but there must be safety mechanisms for that. Right?

North of that beach is a dog beach, which is kind of fun. It's a fenced off beach where dog owners can unleash their pets and let them run free without worrying about troubling other beach goers. The dogs were mostly going crazy with the fun of it, which is a fun thing to watch for a few minutes.

North of there the lake front becomes rocky, with a nice tree lined trail stretching along it.

I followed that until I got to another beach and figured that's an exploration for another day. And since I had parked* over by the nature sanctuary I turned around and enjoyed it all again on my way back.

All-in-all, Montrose point/beach = one of my favorites.

*I borrowed my roommate's car since she was out of town. As per google maps, estimated time for me to CTA it to this location would be roughly an hour.

Right?

2011-08-11T21:24:00.002-05:00

Because no one ever gets sick of pictures I took of flowers, right?

Burnham Park and Promontory Point

2011-08-06T13:11:00.000-05:00

The truth is, my visit to Burnham Park was so long ago now, that I no longer want to say about it the things that I had planned to say. The gist is, I prefer stretches of the lake front that are further off the road. But Burnham park is, nevertheless, a nice place.

The thing is, I've come to expect a lot from parks. It might not be fair.

Burnham Park is about 6 miles of lake front, so I deemed it too much for one day, but I went from 47th to 56th streets. I started at 47th Street because there is a nature sanctuary there. You know I can't resist a nature sanctuary.

And it was nice. It was strange, really. The nature sanctuary is located on the right-of-way (spelling?) between Lake Shore Drive and a railroad. It's a pretty narrow strip of land. There was only like a moment, or two, at best, when I couldn't see either Lake Shore Dive or the train tracks. Yet for all that it was like being in the middle of nowhere in places - it was wild-ish. This was evidenced by the presence of wildflowers and LOTS of birds. And slightly fresh smelling air.

Trail in the woods. Yes, that's Lake Shore Drive in the distance.

I mean, it was cool. But oh, so small.

And deserted. Which I love. Or do I? Because maybe it's too deserted? So then I got freaked out and left. It was nice while it lasted.

So then on to the lake. It was a beautiful sunny day, albeit with a cold wind blowing. (Nearly three months later I am _almost_ not bitter about how cold it was mid-May.) The lake was it's lovely blue sunny self. But I'm not going to lie - enjoying the lake mere feet from Lake Shore Drive is not really ALL that enjoyable to me. As I said, I felt too close to the road most of the time.

This is clearly idyllic. What is she complaining about?

Promontory Point was better - more like an actual park and not a tiny strip of land between a road and a lake. But maybe I had just primed myself to not be impressed by then. At the time I remember thinking that I wasn't sure what people get so excited about (because a lot of people LOVE Promontory Point). Looking back on it, it does seem possible that my state of mind that day (which was pretty permanently stuck on "I can't believe it's this cold in May"...thank God that phase of our lives is over) may have had more than a little bit to do with it. Promontory Point is nice - a pleasant place to lay on the grass or climb a tree or bust out a folding chair and enjoy the view of Lake Michigan. There were three University of Chicago students sitting in a tree singing hymns. It was surreal, but beautiful.

Nothing like taking your laptop down to the lake on a sunny spring day...

Wait, I didn't take any other pictures of Promontory Point? Was it all the Negative Nancy effect causing me to leave my camera shuttered? Hmmm, interesting.

Just Wanted You to Know

2011-06-08T20:06:00.003-05:00

I have a post about my next stop on the Chicago park tour marinating in the saved drafts until such a day as I get motivated to upload the pictures and tweak my witty prose into a state of readiness. I just wanted you to know. I will let you know soon if there's anything else I want you to know. In the meantime, be well.

Garfield Park Flower Show

2011-05-08T11:48:00.000-05:00

In Case You Were Wondering

2011-04-12T18:30:00.001-05:00

On the menu for a spring day:

Artichoke, Kale, and Ricotta Pie

Coconut Cream Blondies

Spring Watch 2011 Update: Spring Sighting

2011-04-10T11:24:00.006-05:00

OK, here it is a week later and I'm blogging from my back deck. Because it's 76 degrees. Patience is a virtue, right?

Perhaps with the coming of spring, as with many things in life, the darkest hour is right before dawn.

This weekend has been beautiful, and, unlike last dead-and-grey weekend, the city parks showed life in abundance.

Can you spot the red-winged blackbird in this picture?

I'm sure it's quite common to get impatient this time of year. I don't mind winter until it won't leave. I love spring except when it takes it's sweet time to show up. I try to be philosophical about every season. Sort of. But I don't always succeed...

Ducks having breakfast

Ducks on the brunch-is-at-two schedule

It doesn't help that, as you may know, I pretty much always get restless this time of year.

Field of sunbathing sea gulls - 4-5 miles west of the lake

Baby humans

As happens so many years in April, I find myself clamoring for a mission, an adventure, a next big thing. Whether or not the time is right for one, whether or not I really even want a change...I just get that restless feeling, that wanderlust, that something I can't shake off...

This only makes me all the more impatient for spring, for something to change, even if just the weather. Because even if just the weather it reassures me that things don't stay the same. Life does hold adventures. You're not stuck with one thing forever.

And sometimes that's enough to help me stick with what I've got for at least a while longer.

Embrace the adventure that is now...

Not pictured: Canada geese, coots, other water fowl I couldn't identify, robins, garter snake, probable-but-unconfirmed frog, squirrel

Spring Watch 2011

2011-04-06T18:42:00.003-05:00

I might as well call this Spring Watch 2011 - I mean, I might as well rename the blog. Chicagoans are on high alert for any sign of the season, but they are few and far between.

Sunday morning, with temperatures over fifty but thunderstorms predicted for the afternoon, I headed to a bird sanctuary I've been wanting to check out. I mean, I'm no expert, but I did not think that April 3 was too early in the season for a bird sanctuary to be seeing at least minimal action. But I was, of course, wrong. There was nary a bird to be seen, and in fact not a single bud or shoot or anything green. No signs of life whatsoever. For a Sunday morning nature walk in a season alleged to be spring...it was really depressing. The irony is that by late afternoon the temp was up to 67! Still grey and windy, but it didn't storm until after sunset. Ah well.

In other city parks, the ones that are more cultivated, less wild, I know there are crocuses budding. I know there are signs of life. One just really has to keep one's eye's peeled.

I'll keep you posted.

Storm tossed and unconsoled

The only birds I actually saw

March

2011-03-20T10:46:00.003-05:00

You may know that every year I anxiously await the arrival of "the first nice day". This year it officially blew in on Thursday, I day I naturally spent the majority of in my windowless office, and most of the rest of in a dark bar watching first round basketball games - oh how I wish I would have ditched out on either or both of those engagements. "The second nice day" has not followed closely on the heels of the first. March can be such a trying time.

Why I Keep Working

2011-02-26T11:53:00.000-06:00

You know, so far it has been very hard for me to write about my work.

In part because I am very cognizant of concerns about confidentiality and propriety and so on.

In part because I'm not really sure I know what to say.

I mean, I've mentioned it, right? Like how stressful it is? But beyond that, what do I have to say about it.

The work I am doing has washed over me in waves time after time since I began it a little more than a year ago. It is a job I could not do without the grace of inertia, the fact that when I'm in it and being pulled and pushed along by the day-to-day I manage to be able to manage it.

It affects me in different ways at different times. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by that moment when the person I'm talking to realizes that they or their loved on has no really viable chance to stay. While some are resigned and some put up a good front, many give vent to their anger, sadness, desperation, and fear. And while I am not being deported and neither are my loved ones, I still carry and live with those feelings in a way that I am not really able to express.

Other times it's the stories that get me, the obvious thing. The violence experienced in homeland, the abuse suffered in this land, or the trauma about to be endured. The "good" stories are plentiful - the extreme examples, the media ready news bites, the things you just can't believe, but unfortunately know are true. Not everyone has that kind of story, but everyone has a story, and every story has its share of pain.

Other times it's the magnitude of the problem that gets me, the sheer quantity of persons and families caught in the crush of the detention and deportation machine. There were 390,000ish people deported last year, an all time high. The entire population of my hometown deported several times over. And counting...the push, the drive is increase those numbers, increase them to who knows what extent...

I know. I know. These are the same things I always say about my job. Don't I have anything else upon which to turn my ethnobiographic eye? I don't know. I'll work on it.

The truth is, most of the time I feel fine. I feel grateful to be where I am and to be doing the work I'm doing. I keep it all in perspective and keep my head above water. I know it is never useful to let myself be crushed by the negative. I know that for the most part life finds a way to go on for all these people and their families. I do not for a second want to diminish the seriousness of the effects and consequences of detention and deportation, but I don't want to diminish the strength, capability, and resiliency of human beings, either. The latter is what I have had to stay focused on in order to not get overwhelmed. And as I said, I have the grace of inertia. One day pushes me into the next.

Certainly the stress shows itself. I frequently find myself in tears over sentimental commercials on Spanish language TV, news articles about immigration issues, or even when I witness a parent/child interaction on the train. I sobbed when I watched on C-SPAN as the DREAM act got defeated in the senate. At times my brain plays some kind of trick and I suddenly see the people around me in orange jump suits. I could not be more aware of the fragility of family life, of the American dream, of our community.

And that is why I keep on working.

Denver, CO

2011-02-19T15:07:00.004-06:00

This is my tip of the year so far. If you want to take a long weekend trip to visit a friend in a new-to-you city, don't plan to do your sight seeing on Monday. Everything will be closed. Except the U.S. Mint.

The sight seeing day turned into a day of enjoying-public-art-because-that-is-never-closed and killing time until the lunch buffet opens. But it was fun.

(I sort of barely believe that the mountains in Colorado are anything worth paying attention to. I was there for three days and this is as good as it got.)

Happy Day 2011

2011-02-14T19:24:00.001-06:00

Through the Seasons with the Chicago Park District

2011-01-30T21:02:00.004-06:00

I'm still enjoying winter, for the most part, but the restlessness has definitely set in. Today I went to check out my next stop on the tour of Chicago parks, North Park Village Nature Center (which is a nature center and a park). It was a nice quiet walk in the woods on a winter day. While not large in area, there are trails that take you away from people and city, and no jogging, biking, or pets allowed. (This probably bothers a lot of people, but I, who am always seeking wild-ness, appreciate it.) And I saw deer! This was inside the city limits of Chicago mind you...

The only thing better than seeing deer in Chicago is when they wink at you.

My biggest disappointment was that I didn't see a single bird. When I was looking up directions of how to get there I read their newsletter online and the cover story was about snow birds, so I was really hopeful...but there was nothing but some Canada geese in the parking lot. (Which, hello geese, there's a big park right there. Get out of the parking lot.) It's cool though...I suspect that if I come back in another season there will be plenty of birds. Definitely a nice urban oasis, and about 45 minutes on public transit, which is really not too bad. I call it a win.

Begs the question...what happens to bees in the winter...?

Squirrel? There was a class on identifying tracks being offered later in the day. I guess I should have stayed around.

Sleeping...

The Kitchen

2011-01-29T12:43:00.001-06:00

I know I'm not alone in being cyclical in my interests. Maybe I'm not even in the minority. As I know I've mentioned, I, like many, go through phases where a certain interests takes up a good chunk of my time/energy, and then will go for an as-long or longer phase when those same interests are a much more peripheral part of my life. Almost every time I have a renewed interest in something that I used to be more interested in and lately have been less interested in and now am more interested in again, I find myself thinking that it has always been a part of me, even when I wasn't paying that much attention to it.

Cooking is another thing that is like that for me. Since I first had any interest in food and cooking, roughly between high school and college (I took two years off), there have been various phases where I cooked and baked more and other phases where I barely did at all. But at a time like now when the interest is again ascendant, I don't feel like it's ever really been gone.

The thing is, in a strange but real way my interest in cooking has shaped the course of my life, which may be why I always consider it to be a part of me, even when I'm not actually doing it that much. People ask me pretty often how I got interested in immigration issues, and the truth is that it traces back to my interest in food. After working for Steak 'n Shake for four years, working there pretty much against my better judgment, I finally realized that I stayed there for so long because I liked working in a kitchen. I was dabbling in cooking as a hobby outside of work, but could never really put my finger on what I liked so much about my job at SnS until I realized that. Then I began to wonder if I should be considering culinary arts as a career, and right around the time I was starting college I wondered if I should be starting culinary school instead.

But, I had my doubts. I decided to try for a job in a more typical restaurant kitchen, something a little more in depth than being the "sous chef in charge of condiments" at Steak 'n Shake, to see what I thought about it. I took a job busing tables at what I have always referred to as "Champaign-Urbana's most popular Italian restaurant" and eventually convinced the chef to let me try working in the kitchen.

Over the next four years I slowly decided, for various reasons, that culinary school was not my path in life. This was not because I didn't enjoy it, because in a lot of ways I really loved the job and still really miss it. During those years I got to know a lot of my co-workers in the kitchen, the majority of whom were immigrants and the majority of those from Mexico, and the majority of those from the same small-ish town. Immigration was something I had never really thought about much at all before this because it was never really before me, but now it was pretty immediately before me and I found I wanted to learn more. This lead to Spanish classes (I was fairly conversant in French at the time, but that is all forgotten), the summer internship at the shelter in south Texas (how I got my start there), the decision to study abroad in Mexico, and, well, much of everything else that is chronicled herein. It was a slow build, but over time I realized that immigration issues were something I was very passionately interested in, and it is a pretty direct line from my co-workers back in the kitchen back in the day to where I am now. If it wasn't for my love of cooking, who knows what I'd be doing right now.

Now that I've been in Chicago over a year and been in my apartment long enough to fully settle in, now that more of my kitchen equipment has moved out of my parents basement and into my actual kitchen, and now that I figured out that our oven runs 75 degrees too hot so I can bake stuff without burning it, now I find myself cooking again. I am reminded of how much and why I have always enjoyed it, and why it is so much more important to me than might be expected...

Can I post a picture of a picture? I remember this was Valentine's Day, I believe 2004. Over my left shoulder you can see the pot rack, the buffalo chopper, and the trash cans lined up because everyone else was finished closing and I still had like an hour of work to do. And I felt much sadder about it than this picture really suggests.

My Favorite Pens

2011-01-23T20:07:00.002-06:00

There is a certain kind of pen I like to use for journaling. They are retractable blue gel pens and come in a pack of two for about $3.50. This morning the pen I was writing with ran out of ink, so when I stopped by the drug store later I picked up a new pack of pens. Yes, I have other pens in my house that write and work and would serve the purpose just fine. But I like to write with _that_ kind of pen.

Most of us who are middle class and above make those kinds of choices so constantly that we don't even realize it most of the time. When we really stop to think about which of our needs are really needs, and I mean take a really really good hard look at it, we find out we don't need much. If we really set about trying to make do with what we already have and/or can get for free we could probably find a way to not purchase many if not most of the purchases we take for granted.

I never realized this until I lived in a shelter with no income for a year. I did not buy special pens to write in my journal with. I still had a pen and still wrote in my journal and it all worked out just fine. Admittedly it's easier when you live at a shelter because some form of pretty much every conceivable thing you could need shows up at the door in the form of donations. And especially when you have no income, you discover how entirely possible it is to meet your really legitimate needs with things you don't have to pay for.

Once you get out of that environment and HAVE to buy some things, it's a really quick trip down the slippery slope to buying whatever you want. I mean, don't get me wrong. I have a pretty low paying job at a non-profit and live on a budget...even still, the amount of unnecessary purchases I make is pretty huge.

Don't get me wrong - I don't think buying myself the nice journaling pens...or the more expensive face wash...or the unnecessary but convenient kitchen gadget...or WHATEVER is wrong in and of itself. And perhaps "making do" is not a virtue in and of itself. What is more important is what is going on below the surface, and that's probably different for everyone. For me that means the way in which buying the nice pens encourages my addiction to comfort and makes me a little more selfish and perhaps a little less inclined to be generous. It might be a tiny amount, but when you add up the tiny increase with every needless or overindulgent purchase, it could add up to a lot. For me living at the shelter was amazingly freeing in that way, but I know I don't have to live in a shelter to keep that freedom going. I just have to make an effort. Strangely that gets harder and harder to do...

Silencio, Poeta

2011-01-11T21:53:00.003-06:00

The Annunciation - a theme that follows me.

I went on a silent retreat this last weekend. It was amazingly refreshing to shut up and listen for a while.

Footprints in the snow

In recent days/weeks/months I have become worse than ever about the whole "noise" thing. I seem to always have something "on" - TV, radio, online video, some ridiculous thing. And in reality, I don't care for it at all, but I have seen how addicting it can be and how hard to break out of once you're in it.

Between the woods and frozen lake

I was reminded, however, that God is in neither wind, nor fire, nor earthquake, but in the sound of sheer silence. I covered my face and went out for the Lord was passing by.

Sweets

2011-01-03T19:55:00.003-06:00

Pretty, right?

Oreo Chocolate Pie, recipe from the NY Times. Pretty, but only slightly better than the same pie made with instant pudding.

Other internet recipes I tried this fall/early winter:

Chocolate Peanut Butter Surprise Cookies - Totally worth it.

Caramel Apple Crumb Bars - Adore these - can't wait for it to be apple season again.

Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffins - Very popular at the office.

Proof

2010-12-11T14:03:00.001-06:00

Wow, I actually let an entire calendar month (November) pass without posting here.

I know most of you would not think I have any minimum standards for this blog, but in my mind "at least one post per calendar month" is my minimum standard. And I have failed...I think for the first time in the not insubstantial history of Rejoice Always.

Funny, I realized a long time ago that blogging goes in phases for me, but that I LIKE it, so I just keep it up as I keep it up when I keep it up without trying to push myself on it. And now that I have stopped feeding my posts into facebook I think I have probably whittled my readership down under five or so people, making the urgency of posting even less.

I recently stumbled across a file of some of my writings from high school, a time in my life when my identity as "writer" was particularly dear to me. Most of what I wrote fell into the category of "stream of consciousness drivel" but I did manage to create a few things that I was proud of, and maybe still am.

The thing is, I have a great many interests, but they're fairly cyclical. When I am in a writing phase I write with a vengeance, but when I am in another phase I feel I should retain the right to identify myself as a writer, even when I barely write at all. The same goes for a lot of things - I feel I have the right to retain an interest as something I can list off when it comes to "describing myself" as long as I did do it at one point and intend to do it again at some point - regardless of how many years go by in between.

Somethings I probably will never do again - like acting for example. I don't list that as an interest any more. I don't anticipate ever doing it again. But writing? Writing I retain.

The traditional definition of a writer is, I think, "one who writes." That is, writers write. I'm sure you've heard it before. So during those stretches of time when I really don't write much, is it fair to identify myself as a writer? My standard response? I journal and I blog.

See, I just wrote this. Doesn't that prove it?

Part II: Humboldt Park Up Close

2010-10-22T19:35:00.002-05:00

You know there always has to be a part II...

Humboldt Park

2010-10-19T20:00:00.000-05:00

This Saturday, though I would not call it a beach day, was a really gorgeous fall day, with the temperature hovering in the high 60s. Although I have been reticent to let go of summer, it was the kind of day that made me think, "If this is fall, no wonder so many people love it." And I loved it, too.

Another stop on my tour of Chicago parks seemed called for. Next on the list: Humboldt Park. Unless I'm missing a huge park somewhere, Humboldt Park is the closest big park to my neighborhood, and had the decided advantage of being only 20-30 minutes away by one bus. On this Saturday a loud and passionate youth soccer tournament was underway, although peace and quiet predominated in most of the park. The leaves are turning but there were still fall flowers everywhere. There were a few fishermen around the lagoon, but I can tell there are probably many more in the summer. The largest part of the lagoon was quite heavily populated with Canada Geese and Mallards - I don't know if they're taking a break on their journey south, or just haven't gotten going yet. The weather has been so mild they maybe just haven't left. Same goes for the flock of robins that were congregated on the bank of the prairie river. It was an awesome day to just stroll and breathe the fresh air.

It is, decidedly, a really lovely park. My biggest complaint about it is that it is subdivided by streets that run through the middle of it in various places, so you are rarely out of the view of traffic, although in certain places you could be or could at least pretend to be by not looking too hard. For a true sense of "park" I think it's nice to not be able to see cars, but despite this flaw there was still plenty of nature, and yes the air did smell fresh, which is key.

I didn't realize how old the park is. It has a pretty interesting history, which you can read about here. Follow the link for the audio tour to download a map of the park.

The formal garden

The prairie river

Verdict: for sheer wild-ness, I think Jackson Park wins, but Humboldt Park is an awesome city park and gets bonus points for easy access.

Anniversaries

2010-10-16T15:00:00.000-05:00

I never did say much about my trip to the border in July.

I am reflecting on it again since Friday was the two year anniversary of me leaving the border and Sunday is the one year anniversary of me moving to Chicago. I have always been a big rememberer of anniversaries, in case you couldn't tell.

The truth is, my trip to the border was before this post, at a time this summer when I was struggling very much with the emotional weight of my current job and wondering if I could keep doing it and if I should keep doing it. The strain had been building up for a while, but I found that when I was working I was carried forward by the momentum that builds up of one day after another. Then, stepping away from it for a "vacation" lead, as it almost always does, to very sincere and intense reflection about the state of my life, and in this case it was not terribly pleasant.

Being at the shelter did not help, at all. It only put an even sharper edge on what I was feeling to be reflecting on it all in a place I really love, that is such a big part of me, and where I knew so much joy, but that I felt less of a part of than ever before. The majority of the community there I only know from visits, I no longer know many of the guests, and I have missed so much. Obviously. I'm not there, it's not my life any more, and for the first time my state of being "outsider" really hit home.

Every time I go to the shelter I am faced with the question of why this isn't my life. I obviously love it, I obviously can't get over it, so why am I not just there. I am always confronted all over again with the heart wrenching decision to leave and all the uncertainty that followed. This time around was no different, and these feelings were particularly hard to deal with in light of the comparisons that inevitably followed between shelter life and immigration law life, and how I have lived each.

I left at the end of that week feeling for the first time that I could, and perhaps should, let the door close on the shelter. Maybe it is just too hard to try to hold on so much. Maybe, for the sake of my own wholeness, I need to give myself more fully to life beyond 10/15/08, and just let that part of me heal over. And fade.

Maybe, just maybe. And so when I got home I couldn't write about it. I didn't know what to say about it. I didn't know how to make sense of it, and in all honesty I preferred not to. Unsettled feelings about the shelter went hand in hand with my mixed feelings about Chicago, my job, the idea of staying in on place, etc. Just a time when not much makes sense and not much seems settled, and you really just have to sit with it for a while, which I did not-so-gracefully.

Then, things got better at work. I got my head back above water emotionally and suddenly was back in the place where I really like what I'm doing and really can see myself doing it for a while. Since then I have gone from my decidedly tepid feelings towards Chicago to gradually becoming quite fond of it. I have become rather more convinced, that, for now, at least, this is where I'm supposed to be.

And, you know, to state the obvious, being here would not be possible without having left the border. It was a slow, two year journey to land somewhere, to really land, after that, but somehow I think I maybe have. As I've said. And that, if nothing else, answers the question of why I am not there. Because I'm here. And I cannot be both places. So. Yeah.

Yet, in reality, I think I am both places, in a good way. It's true that I am letting go of Texas a little more. I am letting the door close in a certain way, but the fact of moving on in a more real and concrete (and probably healthy) way doesn't make it less of a part of me. I realize that I am, and hope I will continue to be, an A-houser at heart, even as I am living a different life under very different circumstances. I will still visit and I will still acknowledge the possibility that I might end up back there some day. I will still carry it with me and still bear witness. The difference now is just being both, being more, being all, and loving it all anyway.

So that's where I stand, two years and one year later. Knowing me, another phase, another perspective is likely to follow soon. But for here, now, I have very few complaints about where I am. It actually kind of makes sense to me, which is a rare blessing.

From here to there

From there to here

La Playa Revisited

2010-10-13T22:34:00.000-05:00

I have not one, not two, but I would maybe guess several posts that I have been working on lately, most of which are completely or almost finished, and yet none of them are "ready". Don't ask me why.

So instead, I would like to revisit a topic from only three posts ago - the beach!

Yes, that's right, the beach.

The thing is, here it was the second weekend in October and we had beach weather in Chicago. The temperature climbed to 80+ on both Saturday and Sunday. And for me, a person who, as you know, has lamented not spending enough time at the beach this summer, I thought this was my chance to make up a little lost time.

I mean, it wasn't warm enough to swim or anything (the water has already cooled off considerably), but for lying in the sand and reading, for beach combing, and for staring philosophically at the waves it was actually an amazing beach day. A few people came out, but most, it seems, were already out of beach mode, and/or particularly heedful of the fact that life guards are no longer on duty.

I don't know what it was, exactly, maybe the light late in the day, but the water had this quality of liquid metal that pictures just couldn't capture, so I took this brief video. It's not exactly, interesting, or of high quality, per se, but it is my moment of beach zen to carry me through the winter:

As for the beach combing, check this haul:

I know. You're jealous. It's okay. I mean it's not every day at the beach that you find a piece of yellow beach glass shaped like the state of Illinois*, but maybe, on the very last beach day of the year, a rare beach day in October, you would be that lucky. Wishing you similar, if not equal, joys.

*Bottom of the picture. It looks slightly more like the state of Illinois in real life.

The Challenge

2010-09-16T19:11:00.010-05:00

So there's this thing going on next week, the SNAP Hunger Challenge. The challenge is to eat for $4.50 a day for seven days, $4.50 being the average daily SNAP (food stamps, basically) benefit in the state of Illinois.

So this intrigues me, and my initial reaction was, oh I should definitely do that. After thinking about it for about ten seconds longer I realized it would be a lot of work. I'm sure that's partly the point.

I keep my grocery receipts usually for about a month at a time because I track my spending usually on a monthly basis - not in terms of how much did I spend on food per day, but just generally speaking how much did I spend this month. So it occurred to me that I could do a little calculating to estimate how much I do spend on a day's food - at least to give me some sense of how hard the challenge would be (and maybe that would give me enough of a self esteem boost to make me not feel I have to do the whole 7 day challenge).

I usually take leftovers for lunch, so I decided to base my calculations on two really simple meals that I make pretty frequently as fall back food, and realistically might eat for lunch and dinner on any given day. I eat the same breakfast and snacks most work days, so it was actually pretty easy to calculate.

So here's how it broke down:
Breakfast: oatmeal and dried cranberries, $0.66
Lunch: chickpeas and rice, $1.18
Dinner: southwest pasta, $1.74
Snacks: pretzels, baby carrots, and 3 cups of tea, $0.85

Total for the day $4.43 - I totally did it! I eat for less than $4.50 a day!

EXCEPT, I did not included the milk that I put in all three cups of tea or the sugar I put in my morning tea (the sugar for the tea I drink at work is paid for by my employer). I also did not include dessert, which I almost always eat, or bed time snack, which, let's face it, I almost always eat.

So, I definitely did not do it.

OK the rest of that stuff adds up to about $1.39 ($.82 for bedtime snack of granola, $.44 for Hershey's Kisses for dessert, and only $.13 for the tea fixings), so I would be over my budget by about $1.32. Doesn't seem that bad, but if I were over that much ever day it would be more than $40 a month over.

Now I can easily see ways I could cut down my costs if I had to live on that kind of budget, but I can easily see that it would take an effort (and a lot of math) to stay within that budget - yet many people must. I'm sure that many SNAP recipients have other ways of supplementing their food budget, but then again there are probably many who can't, the elderly and disabled for example. Food for thought.

Get it? Food? HA!

And as for cutting down my costs, would it mean sacrificing nutrition? In some cases no. I buy pretty expensive tea because it tastes realllly good. Switching to store brand would be a sacrifice of taste but not nutrition. On the other hand, the pasta I buy is either whole wheat or the healthy-ish fortified kind that has calcium and fiber. Switching to the store brand would probably leave me a little worse off nutrition-wise on that. Also, the only actual fresh fruit or vegetable in this hypothetical day is baby carrots. I used the two recipes I used largely because they are simple and I thought they would be affordable - and they are, in part because they're both made with canned vegetables instead of fresh (also why they are good fall backs). Usually I do eat more fresh things than that in a day, so I don't know if I looked at this broadly if I would end up having to cut back on fresh goodies.

Also, this would obviously mean no eating out, ever. Maybe that doesn't seem like a big deal. From a culinary stand point I could survive, but food related activities are such a big part of my social life that it would be tough to say I'm never doing that ever. I had lunch out with a co-worker today and spent $7.20 - not astronomical for a nice lunch, but nearly two days worth of food budget! I would also not be able to bake for my co-workers, which is something I also really enjoy.

So anyway, perhaps you want to consider taking the challenge next week? Or at least ponder it a little? I honestly don't think I will do the whole week of the challenge, but maybe I will do a day or a few days. However even just taking the time to think about how much I spend on food and how greatly I take it for granted is pretty eye-opening.

Los Aretes

2010-09-06T21:10:00.000-05:00

So I have been experimenting with making jewelry. I have wanted to try this for a while and got some supplies for Christmas, and now, months later, have finally gotten around to it. I have no idea what I'm doing, so the quality is not the greatest, nor is the design. But it's fun! So far I think it's really really fun. As an activity it also has a sort of immediate gratification factor that I really appreciate these days.

So far I am terrible at photographing what I make - still working on this aspect. But here are two pairs of earrings I made for my mother (who got me the supplies for Christmas):

I now know that the preferred method of photographing earrings is hanging them on the rim of a wine glass or something, so I'll try to do better in the future.

La Playa

2010-08-28T09:25:00.005-05:00

This may be the best part of living in Chicago.

Every time I go to the beach I really wonder why I don't go more often. Here it is August, the end of August really, and I've only gone a handful of times. August evenings have been amazing - partly because the temperatures have already started to cool a bit. I am only too aware that summer is ending already, despite its late start. It's been a long time since I was this nostalgic for summer.

After having an army of interns at work all summer, things are "getting back to normal", and I will actually probably be a little less busy in some ways. Much of my summer was spent in recovery mode after one work trip or preparing for another - at least this is how it seemed, but it may just have been me. I had lots of "fun" in the meantime, but never quite as much as I was planning on. It is, however, what it is. A beautiful season.

Luckily, it's not over yet. Not quite. I plan to milk it for all it's worth.

The Update

2010-08-22T21:33:00.001-05:00

Okay, I'll write.

(Get it? I'll write = alright.)

So as I was saying some months ago, this is weird. I mean I still feel like I should be doing something else - you know, making some big decision, finalizing some major plan, packing, or unpacking, or, you know, being philosophical or esoteric about SOMETHING. Instead I am just living my open ended life and pondering the fact that no, this really is all I have to do. And this is very very normal.

But very very strange, nonetheless, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks so.

The truth is, my list of possible futures has been erased. I no longer have that sense of the another that this one thing might lead to, that sense of where I might go from here. I don't know how long I will do this job for, especially given the fact that not infrequently I find it to be very very hard. Yet when I can get past the emotional weight of it, as long as I can, I find I still feel challenged by it. I still have a lot to learn after 10 months and a lot to improve on. As a result I still feel engaged, still carried forward by the challenge (as long as the previously mentioned criterion is met). This is all just a way of saying, I'm sticking around for the time being, if not forever.

...and, whatever else I was going to say, that's probably all I have to worry about for now. It is weird to me that I have no sense at all of anything else I want to do in the future, weird, but probably not important. When the time comes to do something else in the future, then I'll probably know what. Maybe the fact that I no longer have that mental list of things I might want to do in the future is just because I need to be focused on the present right now.

Maybe that is what is all so very weird and hard for me, in a nutshell...being focused on the present. There doesn't always seem to be much there, but I guess that's another story...

`````

In the Garden

2010-08-21T20:25:00.000-05:00

So really reallllllllly attentive readers will no doubt remember my brief post some years ago (on my other blog) about the "Chihuly's Pendletons" exhibit that I saw at an art museum and really enjoyed.

However Chihuly is not actually known for his wool blanket collection. I mean, not mainly, and in many cases not at all. He is known for his glass, and currently has an exhibit at Meijer Gardens in Grand Rapids, MI. On the blueberry trip we also got to check this stuff out, and it was awesome...

Art imitates life

Did you know?

2010-08-20T18:48:00.005-05:00

It's that time of year, once again. Time for blueberries. We picked 33 pounds this year - but the picking was a little thin. So it goes.

I used my blueberries to make these, after extensive searching for a recipe that sounded decent AND could be achieved with ingredients I had on hand...

They were good.

The Mural

2010-08-02T19:59:00.002-05:00

This is on an abandoned house/building bordering Grace Chope Park, which borders I-10, in the Old San Francisco neighborhood. I love going there to look at Juarez.

Jackson Park

2010-07-22T21:39:00.000-05:00

In other news...I can't remember if I have mentioned, although I think I have, my quest to find my favorite park/wild place in Chicago. Of course I am limited to those that are accessible by public transport, but if it's actually within city limits then I can probably CTA it. I resolved to start this quest way back at the beginning of spring when I was lamenting the loss of my old favorite nature sanctuary. The quest has been a bit...slow going...but I have a feeling I'm beginning to kick it into gear.

This is evidenced by my expedition last weekend to Jackson Park, on the south side down near Hyde Park (if that means anything to you) - well, it's the park immediately south of the Museum of Science and Industry, so that's a good landmark. It took me the better part of an hour to get there by public transportation, but I will state, nevertheless, that if I never liked another park in all the rest of Chicago I would be pretty happy with this one. There is a lagoon and trails in places, tons of trees, flowers, and birds*, the air smelled fresh and much of it felt at least as wild as the long lamented not-very-wild nature sanctuary. I stuck close to the lagoon and the island it contains as these seemed to be the wildest parts, but the rest of the park had tennis courts, a driving range, volley ball nets, and plenty of space for family picnics, and there were many taking place.

As if this were not enough, walking back to the bus I spotted an underpass to the 57th St Beach for a dose of sand and Lake Michigan. It was, in a word, lovely.

I would go back here next weekend, but I'm inspired to check out more of the places on my list now...finally. Although this weekend I'm thinking a little Lake Front trail might be in order...

*Tons of robins and European starlings, ducks, a heron, purple martins, a yellow-ish bird that may have been a female oriole or something like that, and others that I could not identify. Maybe I will have to go on the weekly Audubon walk some week.

The View

2010-07-21T06:00:00.000-05:00

On my way to work, on my way to the train that takes me to work I walk over the bridge/overpass over the expressway and this is what I see.

The World Up Close

2010-07-20T06:00:00.001-05:00

I'm not even really sure why I'm so determined to capture the world up close, but I really really want to. But I guess once you start doing that there are way too many pictures to take - and where do you stop? I love my new camera that lets me get a little closer.

One photo a day is pretty hard. That's my reflection on this so far.

A Day In June

2010-07-19T06:00:00.000-05:00

Tiny camps out under the lounge chair.

So It Begins

2010-07-18T06:00:00.001-05:00

Pictures, Not Words

2010-07-17T06:45:00.008-05:00

I know it has been a great while since I wrote a post with any substantial, well, writing. Because I'm not trying to turn this into a photography blog (wouldn't be worth it, anyway) I have been holding off posting more pictures (although I have a LOT) until I could balance them with some words. However. I no longer know when that's going to be.

I started writing a pretty "word-y" post about immigration detention, but then realized that, because this topic is half of my life, I am kind of too close to it to write about it. I can't see it from that snapshot outsider's perspective that makes for a decent, readable post. At least not right now. It's a little too nebulous from where I am sitting.

I was in El Paso last week, an occurrence which, as you know, typically inspires me to wordiness. So far, though, I haven't been inspired. I guess I'm still contemplating the experience and deciding what to say about it? I don't know.

I mean, admittedly, it's not like I've been trying sooo hard to write, but I don't usually have to try hard. Usually I just get the idea and I write it and I go. Not so much lately.

But yes, the pictures. Many many pictures. So, I'm thinking of trying a photo-a-day-type-project. I don't actually think I will post every day, but I'm going to try frequently posting single photos, sometimes with words and sometimes not, and see how it goes. Maybe I won't like it or maybe it will actually get me posting/writing more. We'll see. I will of course interrupt with other content as it becomes available, but in the meantime...stay tuned for pictures.........

(Those who lack patience will likely go to my flickr and look at all the pictures...but they will ruin the fun!)

Fern Room

2010-06-22T09:26:00.000-05:00

The end of spring has felt decidedly like, well, spring. That time between Memorial Day and the first day of summer has felt much more like late March or early April, rainy and cool. This past week things started to feel summery in Chicago for the first time really. A few weeks ago, when it was cool and rainy but I was nevertheless determined to enjoy SOMETHING of nature, I went to Garfield Park Conservatory for the first time. I really wish I would have taken this in in the winter when it would truly have been a breath of fresh air. As it was, it was beautiful and peaceful, but it kind of reminded me that I wished I was outside instead of inside. But on the whole I loved it, and more than anything was completely utterly enchanted by the fern room, see below.

Garfield Park Conservatory is great if for no other reason than that it is two stops away from me on the train and is free. But I would go again (and again) just for the Fern Room.

(See here for a much better picture with a cool story.)

The Sights of the Queen City, Cincinnati Ohio

2010-06-12T13:11:00.007-05:00

Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus, for whom Cincinnati is named

Boats on the Ohio

Fountain Square

Great American Ballpark

Rethinking?

2010-06-08T21:29:00.003-05:00

The fountain in Daley Plaza dyed red in honor of the Blackhawks. My first thought was of that scene in "The Ten Commandments" - the first plague on Egypt? Water turned to blood? In the movie it looked exactly like this.

Maybe it's time to rethink Chicago?

La Lucha

2010-05-04T21:37:00.001-05:00

Amid cries of "Where is Pinocchiobama?" (among other things), roughly 8,000 Chicagoans including myself turned out for the May Day march for immigration reform on Saturday.

A lot of people were reacting to the Arizona situation, and to the current administration's frustrating apparent backtracking (and then re-tracking?) on their promise to act on this issue. But let's face it...a lot of people wereacting to the plan and simple need for immigration reform and the way it affects their daily lives.

I am only beginning to try to grapple with the immensity of the suffering caused by our immigration system. I wish I had the words to tell you, but at the moment I don't. Stay tuned?

(P.S. ABC 7 - I mean there was a certain sense of righteous anger, but we were peaceful for goodness sakes! "Angry protesters" makes it sound like we were brawling.)

What It's All About

2010-05-01T12:58:00.004-05:00

I don't know why I'm obsessed with this video...perhaps it's because it's what it's all about (having the heart of a champion, that is)...

Nothing to See Here, People....

2010-04-17T09:31:00.004-05:00

Anybody got some content for this thing? Anybody? Hello?

*Sigh*

So there have been many nice days since the first nice day, and in fact today is a day that would seem nice if it had happened a month ago, but since it was 80 degrees two days last week and now the high is predicted to be 55, 55 no longer seems so nice. Sorry 55! However, I will enjoy you anyway.

Throughout March Madness I was planning to post about March Madness, but apparently never got around to it. It was pretty fun, though, right?? I mean until Duke won, but otherwise it was a pretty fun tournament. And the Spartans were awesome, making it to the Final Four even without their star player - you guys rock!

Let's see...

We are in the midst of the Easter season, so I hope those of you that observe Easter have been enjoying it. There are currently floods of tulips all over downtown Chicago - not quite the same as wild flowers, but really striking nonetheless. There have been some fun activities...I think...the Korean karaoke bar and NeedToBreathe at the House of Blues were definitely the highlights and um...

And...scene.

I have lived in Chicago for six months...as of today. This is the time during the past three years when I was embroiled in discernment about the next big thing. And yet, I'm really determined NOT to move on from Chicago after only a year, nor do I particularly want to move on yet, so I'm trying to remember what life is like when you stay somewhere for more than a year. And I don't think I remember. I'm ready to start planning a change, but just out of force of habit, and not even because I really want a change or don't like it here. Just because constant change became my constant. But since planning a change is absolutely not an option on the table right now, I have come up with some other way to use my energy. Suggestions?

Anyway...

For now I'm busy brainstorming and planning summer travels, and trying to enjoy the SPRING.

Best. Season. Ever.

The First Nice Day

2010-03-07T15:19:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I woke up to plenty of sunshine streaming through the windows and the shamrock and I were both grateful. The temperature crept up above 40 degrees and I was asking myself...is this it? The First Nice Day?

March is, let us say, not my favorite time of the year for weather. My mind switches over to "spring", but it is never as nice out as I think it should be. March is the time for those last stray snow storms and frigid days that I no longer have the patience for.

Nevertheless, nice days are coming. I need to figure out where I'm going to spend them...I miss the nature sanctuary.

Happy Day

2010-02-14T14:24:00.001-06:00

El Transcuro de los Meses...

2010-02-06T18:08:00.005-06:00

January was a busy month. So much so that it kind of laid me low last weekend, making me ever more grateful to be on my feet this weekend. I still can't tell if I actually had an illness or if my body was just letting me know that it's extremely tired and insisted on resting. Perhaps the latter. It wasn't too bad, though. Luckily I had a weekend to sleep through, and luckily February is looking a little more tranquilo...

Part of my job is visiting the county jails and detention centers where immigration detainees are housed to do outreach. We work with six centers, two in Wisconsin, three in Illinois and one in Kentucky. A couple of weeks ago we made the long trip to the center in Kentucky - really the suburbs of Cincinnati. By long trip I mean a six hour drive. Admittedly not that long, but tiring for a work trip, and we had to stay overnight. The detention center felt very far away, too, in that it's clear that information is not reaching people there. For that reason it is important that we go, and hopefully will be able to go more often.

Two weeks ago I spent the better part of five days (early Friday until late Tuesday) at the shelter in Texas. This was, of course, a major blessing. It was also, of course, way too short a time for a trip to the shelter, but I'd rather go for a bit than not go at all until summer or whenever I can next make a longer trip. Right after I started my job Southwest was having a fare sale and I decided I needed to take advantage of it and not let more time go by without a dose of the border.

A lot of cool things have been happening at the shelter - some major repair projects, painting, new plumbing to lessen the amount of indoor rain showers, a drinking fountain, and a new heating/cooling system. That's right, a cooling system! The building is so old that like any 100+ year old there is only so much you can do - it's never going to be perfect or "like new", but it is nonetheless encouraging to see all that was going on.

Then from my return late Tuesday night I spent two days frantically catching up at work and then did another jail visit on Friday. Friday night: in bed at 7 pm. I was pretty much down for the count the whole weekend, and then SO glad to be in the office five full days last week. Of course they were five crazy busy days, but I've got five more next week to make my best effort with!

Tonight: Michigan State basketball and origami...who's with me?

FlamCam and Friends

2010-01-10T11:05:00.006-06:00

The other day I spoke with someone who told me that he was from the Panama Canal. After first laughing to myself that this person thought the name of their country was Panama Canal (he moved to the U.S. in 1985), I remembered that the Panama Canal actually used to be administered by the U.S., so maybe he actually was from the Panama Canal Zone and not the nation of Panama. This lead to some internet research, which lead me to the Panama Canal web cams.

Now while certainly beautiful, these cams are not streaming, so are really not that entertaining. However it got me thinking that I haven't come across any highly entertaining animal web cams in a while, so I went looking for some.

This lead me to the extensive web cam collection of the National Zoo.

Best National Zoo cams so far:
-For instant gratification you can't beat the flamingo cam (FlamCam for short).
-The panda cam is the only one that is not a stationary view - you can almost always see a panda, although if he/she is sleeping then it's not really that great
-Naked mole rat cam - if you see lots of veggies in front of the cam it's likely that a naked mole rat will show up soon.

I've also had good luck with the golden lion tamarin cam. Many of the cams are showing outdoor enclosures that are deserted because, well, it's cold. Of course you never know what you might catch a glimpse of if you check them compulsively, so you probably should. I look forward to checking back in with the animal cams in the spring/summer when they are a bit more in season.

Happy Yew Near...And A Resolution, Of Course!

2010-01-01T12:31:00.001-06:00

Of those to whom much is given, much is expected.

This has been on my mind A LOT lately.

In the grand scheme of things I have been given unspeakably MUCH. Health, wealth, education, opportunities, good work to do, supportive friends and family, creativity, and the list goes on and on.

I keep asking myself how on earth do I give back a "much" in proportion to what I have been given? How can I even come close? I know that I'm not coming close. Yet all I can do, I think, is keep trying. Even if I start by just trying to understand it. Even if I start by reflecting on the idea and keeping the goal in sight. Even if I start with not even the little things but the tiny things.

Although it's hardly concrete, this is my resolution for the new decade...to try to live up to the much that is expected of me. I will, necessarily, start small. I will start tiny. I will, however, start.

What Did YOU Get Yourself For Christmas?

2009-12-29T20:10:00.000-06:00

You know there is something about the idea of getting "a Christmas present to myself" that was rubbing me the wrong way...until I went ahead and did it, then I thought it was awesome.

So then I got myself another one.

My first Christmas present to myself was this:

Perhaps you have seen these floating around the bookstores while you were shopping this holiday season. Know what it is? Do you, by chance, remember the days of "spirograph"? That's what it is. Those little gears with holes in them that you put your pen tip in and move around to make a design. It is so useless! But sooooo much fun! I have hung on to the last few remaining pieces of my spirograph set for years, so it is satisfying to be doing some drawing of useless designs again.

My second present to myself was a ticket to a performance of Handel's "Messiah." I had never heard the whole thing before and never heard it performed live. It was so worth it. While the soloists maybe weren't my all time favorite, the choral sections regularly gave me chills. It is really beautiful music.

Light...

2009-12-25T15:51:00.003-06:00

It's Christmas afternoon, the basketball game is on, two rounds of Trivial Pursuit are over, and the cat is asleep under the Christmas tree.

The celebratory meals have been eaten, the presents have been opened.

Snow is finally falling after a Christmas Eve of non-stop rain.

The shortest day of the year is behind us and things are getting lighter.

The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light.

The word was made flesh and dwelt among us.

Glory to God in the highest and peace on earth!

Dark Pictures of Wildlife

2009-11-22T22:30:00.000-06:00

Catfish and a heron. Also from the Botanic Garden, naturally.

Chicago Botanic Garden in the Fall

2009-11-13T19:03:00.000-06:00

We visited the Chicago Botanic Garden last Saturday when it was 70 degrees...what an awesome day! It is in the suburbs, but accessible by public transport and my new favorite place. One of them, anyway.

Something Beautiful

2009-11-08T12:22:00.002-06:00

Need to Breathe concert last week. My previous exposure to the band had been limited to the radio, but they are amazing and put on an awesome show. This was the very last song when they left the stage and went up on the balcony to do a song without the sound system. Everyone in the audience was shushing each other so we could hear. It was a great song and a great moment.

The First Two Weeks

2009-11-01T12:47:00.003-06:00

So after two weeks on the job I can happily report a favorable impression. There is soooo much to learn, and I think it will definitely be many months before I can honestly say I know what I'm doing. However, I feel good about how it's going so far. I have transitioned very quickly into doing things independently, and although I do have to stop and ask questions ever five minutes or so I'm glad to be able to be actually doing my job instead of just shadowing. I'm not sure how much to say about the job itself at this point, but essentially I spend a lot of time reviewing the situations of immigrants who are currently detained in ICE (immigration and customs enforcement) custody to try to determine if they have any legal recourse, and if so, if we can take their case. We also provide tons of printed information to detainees to education them about the laws and their rights. It does lead me across some pretty sad situations, and unfortunately I have to give a lot of bad news. However, for the people we can help it's super gratifying.

Chicago is fun so far. It's great to be reunited with some awesome friends, mostly from college. The girls I'm staying with have been particularly helpful and supportive, which I'm super grateful for. I am on the search for my own place, and I know I'll feel more comfortable and settled once that is taken care of, so we'll see how that all falls into place.

Short post for now, more to come!

A Place at the Table

2009-10-18T11:58:00.000-05:00

And Knowing That I Could Not Take Them Both...

2009-10-15T06:00:00.007-05:00

Oh friends. Today is the one year anniversary of me getting on a plane somewhere in south Texas with two overstuffed suitcases and a one way ticket. For as uneventful as it has seemed to me most of the time, this year has been quite a journey. Now that I am moving on to something that seems like the "next step" I was expecting to take when I left Texas, I have to acknowledge that this past year has been a step in itself.

I still feel somewhat perplexed looking over the past year and considering all the different things I thought I might want. Moving to Chicago was often present to me, but so was the idea of travel or moving abroad. The only constant was not being sure. Yet it was the kind of not being sure that doesn't get resolved in the head, through thinking and reasoning. It was more the kind of thing that gets resolved by waiting for a door to open and going through it.

Now that the door has opened and I am on my way through I am pondering what all the rest of it meant. I reflect on this post and wonder if I'm somehow making a "safe" choice and/or settling in some way. It doesn't feel that way to me. I think this move will definitely be an adventure in its own way, and it will have plenty to teach me about who I am and who I want to be. Plus I think the great thing about living in a big city is that pretty much any part of my life that I want to develop (spirituality, writing, art, travel, etc.), there will be opportunities to do so. Although I will be rooted in one place for a while, I don't see it as a situation of compromising.

I find my plans to travel and/or live abroad are still with me, but I am also okay with it not happening right now. I think I fall into a trap of thinking that things have to happen quickly, like before I'm 30, say, because I'm going to run out of time somehow. However, if I make the choice I know I can always do those things in a year or two (hopefully at least two - I'm sick of moving every single year), and having a decent job for a while will probably get me in a better position to do it, anyway. Plus there will be opportunities for travel in the meantime, even if it's not in high quantities. Also, while it's not as glamorous as schlepping around South America, living in Chicago is something I've wanted to do for a long time, and I might as well cross it off the bucket list as anything else.

All else aside, I guess the important thing is that I'm doing the right thing for me insofar as I can understand it. Maybe what I need is just to start trying to put it into the context of my larger journey. Of course I won't really know how it fits into that journey until I start living it, but as all things I'll take it poco a poco.

I did not spend much time in the nature sanctuary this summer. For one thing, this is because there were almost always people there. Some of that I was okay with, but there seemed to be a lot of young men who wanted to use it as a dirt bike course of some manner. You don't know how many times I repressed a cry of, "Didn't you see the 'no bikes' sign you....jerks!" And as a result of that, or for some other reason entirely, there never seemed to be much "nature" around. Maybe it was just because there are more suitable places for birds and animals to hang out in the summer. Even the ducks I watched raising their family in the late spring and early summer were only spotted once after my visit to Texas. However now that the seasons are changing it's becoming my favorite quiet place again...and beginning to look about like it did when I first discovered the place about a year ago. We're back where we started, and I guess I'm back where I started the year...transitioning. The proverbial roads diverge in the proverbial yellow wood...

Going Live...

2009-10-11T10:15:00.000-05:00

By now everyone has heard that Chicago is not getting the 2016 olympics.

Consolation prize?

Me!

That's right, friends, I am moving to Chicago. I got a new job.

I should probably say a new new job since I started a new job (my old new job) about eight weeks ago. Yes, for eight weeks I have been a teacher's assistant in a bilingual preK classroom. And honestly? I've really enjoyed it. But. The new new job came along, and it is not the kind of thing you pass up. I have been offered a job working as a paralegal with a non-profit that provides legal services for immigrants and refugees, and for so many reasons it's a great opportunity that I'm really excited about. Plus I'm excited to move to the city, even if it is happening fast and things will be crazy for a while.

How fast? Oh um, next weekend. I start the new new job October 19. Don't blink your eyes or you'll miss people!

War

2009-10-06T05:00:00.007-05:00

*EDIT - stupid blogger template! Click on the comic to read the whole thing.

Tomorrow is the 8th anniversary of the war in Afghanistan. That is a long time - too long. Pray for peace, hope for peace, work for peace, and spread the word.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

The Unwinnable War in Afghanistan

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Healthcare Protests

Things I'm Pretty Glad About

2009-09-03T22:25:00.000-05:00

Land 'O Lincoln

2009-08-20T21:54:00.001-05:00

When I was living in Texas I bought a National Parks Passport. It includes space to collect stamps from over 300 National Park Service sites, including national monuments, national historic sites, national lakeshores, and the list goes on. Not included are national forests, which are not administered by the National Park Service, but, I assume, the National Forest Service.

I collected two stamps while in Texas, and since then have from time to time taken to studying my passport and planning out ways to maximize the number of stamps collected in a lifetime. Routes are traced, trips planned.

Sadly for me I am currently living in a state that is home to only one National Park Service site, the Lincoln Home in Springfield Illinois. Despite all my planning and scheming, it has taken me a ridiculously long time to get around to actually going to it, but last week I finally added another stamp to my passport.

Lincoln lived in Springfield for twenty-five years while working as an attorney and in his early political life. It was there that he met his wife and got married, where his children were born, and where he was living when he was elected president. He lived in the same home for much of this period and he added on to it substantially. The home has been preserved and open to the public since the nineteenth century.

Lincoln's writing desk - the original

Personally I enjoy historical homes, and I think it's fascinating to be able to see a snapshot of the life of such a great man and to walk where he walked. Sadly the tour of the house is very short and rushed – 20 minutes, tops. I felt like we were moved along so quickly that I barely had time to look at things. I understand that they do this in order to allow more people to take the tour in the course of the day, but personally I felt that the rushing diminished the experience. I wish I could have had more time to just take it all in and contemplate the experience. Maybe I will just have to go back - it's free after all.

Anyway, being a textile enthusiast I spent most of my spare moments photographing the carpeting.

The site also includes several other houses original to the neighborhood, with information about who owned them and their relationship to the Lincolns. I don't know if any of the rest of them were restored, but some are set up with museum exhibits. It definitely gave me a better understanding of the Lincolns' life in Springfield and the build up to his presidency.

Campaign wagon

I'm considering coming up with a review system for the National Park Service Sites I visit - if I do so I'll let you know what rating I give to the Lincoln home. In a word, I thought it was "cool".

Since we were in Springfield anyway we had to stop by the new Lincoln Presidential Museum, which I really enjoyed. Besides the crazy realistic hologram movie there were two main exhibits that walked you through Lincoln's life - one pre-White House and the other post. There were lots of dioramas and interactive aspects that drew you into his life rather than just telling you about it. So much so that I cried in Ford's Theatre. True story. There was also an exhibit of artifacts from the life of Lincoln, such as one of the three surviving stovepipe hats. I think some people feel this museum is too entertaining (I've heard the word "Disney-fied") and not dignified enough, but personally I think it makes the material very accessible to a wider audience. God forbid. If you get the chance to go the Lincoln Museum, check it out.

Ahem - and I leave you with this:

Lincoln pop machine, Springfield Illinois

Trains

2009-08-05T22:43:00.017-05:00

Oh yeah, one more thing about Texas. Probably the last thing for now. I wanted to add that I accomplished everything on my "wish list" except for the day trip to J-town and the train watching. The night we tried to go to Music Under the Stars it was rained out, but I'm counting it anyway. I skipped the trip to J-town mainly because, um, it was hot. Ridiculous, I know, but every time I go I end up feeling like I've spent hours on my feet in the sun, and I just couldn't face it.

I also never went train watching. Train watching started with my fellow volunteer Chas, and it's funny because I talked to him on the phone while I was down there and apparently he is more or less over the whole train thing now. He lives too close to the tracks and the noise is bothersome. However, when he was a volunteer he liked to watch trains, and train watching kind of became a thing for a while among a few volunteers.

Trains do come to capture a part of your imagination when you're living on the border and working with immigrants. Most of the Central American immigrants who arrived at our house arrived there after weeks traveling through Mexico clinging to the sides of freight trains. Many other guests, regardless of how they arrived, left via train. They would ask for dark clothes and a backpack from the clothing bank and steal out right before bed check. Where they go from there I don't exactly know, except that it involves the risky proposition of running really fast and somehow jumping onto a moving freight train.

I did not develop the same fascination with trains and train hopping that Chas had, and I'm sure I don't fully understand where he was coming from. Nonetheless there is something about train watching as a forlorn, solitary, esoteric activity that appealed to me. Somehow there is something romantic about the idea of jumping trains, riding the rails. Obviously it would be dirty and uncomfortable, and hobos aren't exactly the romantic heros of American folklore. Somehow, though, the idea represents a certain freedom. It is the abandonment of the work-a-day and the conventional in order to live as one pleases, going where one chooses.

Train hopping for immigrants represents a different reality. For them train hopping is not a lifestyle, but something they do for a lack of other options. It is a free way to travel, and a way to hopefully make it past the Border Patrol checkpoints outside the city to a place where you can make a decent wage. Dangerous? Absolutely. Any time a guest would leave to train hop I would get a horrible feeling in my stomach. Yes, most of the people who try it are young, strong, physically fit, and capable of "making it" safely. I guess the majority do. If anyone has problems usually it's the women or the older men, but in my imagination, at least, anyone could slip, could misstep and face the consequences. Some die. More wind up in the hospital having lost limbs or severely broken bones. They receive emergency treatment and occasionally follow up care such as physical therapy. Usually they are referred back to the shelter, which in some cases is where they already came from.

I'm told that, although the trains move slower in Mexico and for that reason are easier to climb up on, the obvious tragedies still sometimes occur. For one thing, migrants cling to those trains for longer periods of time, which increases their risk of getting tired or falling asleep. If that should happen they will most likely fall off and that fall will probably be disastrous. Besides the dangers posed by the trains themselves, money is not safe while train hopping - if you have it someone will almost certainly relieve you of it. That journey that leaves you constantly exposed to the elements and the world around you is especially dangerous for women, who are raped nearly 100% of the time.

You think about all this when you're train watching, and it becomes more interesting than you would think it would be. There were a few spots where we watched trains. There was Chas' favorite spot on the other side of downtown, and some "secret" spot of Heidi and Mike's that was never revealed to me. At some point I realized that you could walk two or three blocks north of the shelter and get to the massive conglomeration of train tracks that run through downtown. There was no fence, either; I'm pretty sure you could walk right up to the tracks. This is, of course, how I ran afoul of the railroad rent-a-cop.

One evening Heidi and I wanted to go for a walk, so I suggested that we start by walking the few blocks to this spot to see if there were any trains going by. There weren't, but we decided to wait a while to see if one came. As we waited we were talking, and as we talked at some point we sat down on the ground, and as we sat we decided to lay on our backs and look at the stars.

Suddenly there was a car behind us, closer then I would have thought it could get without me hearing it sooner. We scrambled to our feet, eyes wide, as a man in a security uniform got out of the SUV. He asked us what we were doing and I'm not even really sure what our response was. He pointed out that we had passed the no trespassing signs and were on private property. I actually felt the need to argue with him about this because we had specifically made a point of reading all the signs in the vicinity to be sure that we weren't on the "wrong side" of any of them. He shined his flashlight on a sign and said, "It's right there," but the sign actually said something else entirely. "Er...well...the next one. Down there." He shined his flashlight into the darkness. He wrote our names and the address of the shelter down in a little notebook from his pocket and told us, "You get one warning." Heidi and I and everyone we told the story to wanted to know what happens after the first warning, but we did not stay around to ask or find out. We rushed back the the shelter giggling, and decided to forgo the rest of our walk.

Storm and Quiet

2009-08-03T13:09:00.006-05:00

When I woke up this morning at about 8:30 it was as dark as night outside. The rain started seconds BEFORE I left the house to drive my dad to work. Now at 11:30 it's nearly stopped, but I'm still in my PJs. Not a day to get dressed if you don't have to.

Let's see - my last, um, five posts have been about my time in Texas, but I've been back in Illinois for a full month now. In a lot of ways it's been a lazy summer month, although as in many parts of the country the weather has been rather mild and un-summer-like. I have been volunteering a couple days a week at a community center and been working a few hours a week (usually ten hours a week or under) as a Spanish interpreter. Those things have been keeping me slightly busy - I mean not enough to even call myself busy, really, but busier than doing nothing all day. You know. I mean obviously I stayed in my PJs until 11:30 today. So you know.

August looks like it will be a month of traveling, starting with visiting my G-ma and Michigan relatives this past weekend, and followed by (probably) Chicago next weekend and Minneapolis the following weekend. I'm also planning to visit Springfield, IL to tour the Lincoln home and museum. I've never been to either, and being the Lincoln Bi-centennial it seems appropriate. Plus I really need more stamps in my National Parks Passport. I only have two so far. That's pathetic.

Memorial

2009-07-25T15:03:00.000-05:00

La Frontera Revisited

2009-07-15T20:58:00.000-05:00

During my visit to Texas, a chess craze was sweeping the shelter. A select group of guests spend seemingly endless hours hunched over the chess board in the evenings. If it's raining or there's no work to be found and nothing else to do, a day long chess marathon could ensue. I've never learned how to play chess and have resisted being taught, but I kind of wanted to see how much I could learn just by watching. I learned that the one I thought was they king was actually the queen. That's about all I learned.

Going to the border felt like going home in some ways. I got a good dose of most of the things I love and was longing for. Two restaurants that I frequented have closed, and one is in the process of becoming a Chinese restaurant. They lawyer who bought ad space on the back of the bench in front of the court house finally put up a new ad. The one that was up for my entire year in Texas had a handle bar mustache graffitied on the guy's picture.

Around the shelter only small things have changed. In most ways it was still so familiar to me that it could have been like I was never gone. Although of course I was. Of course there are little evolutions here and there. New ways of doing things that make a little more sense, other systems that have been abandoned. Pictures on the wall of events I wasn't around for.

I hear the border wall is mostly complete, and that the border enforcement continues to be stiff. The shelter continues to house about 30-45 people on average, and as near as I could tell it is the same basic population as it has been - meaning there is a little bit of everything when it comes to the situations of the guests. It was interesting being there for a three week visit - it's like you get a snap shot. People arrived, and left. There were moments of community and lightheartedness, playing with kids in the sala, shooting hoops, chatting. There were moments of sadness, sharing someone's frustration, coming face to face with the injustices we would rather ignore. Someone was robbed by a coyote, someone got picked up by the border patrol at the store down the street. It was hot, and then it rained. Ice cream was eaten. Such is life at the house. There is always some unexpected drama around the corner, but also moments of lightness and grace that hopefully carry you through.

I was happy to be able to spend time with the current volunteers who are carrying the torch so to speak. The welcomed me, but I could not help but realize that I'm not part of the community right now. I can visit, but it's not my world. It made me deeply miss the people I shared that experience with. One of my friends confirmed to me what I already thought - your buddies from the shelter become like army buddies. You've shared an intense experience that no one else can really understand, and it creates a strong bond. And while you can always relate to people who've also had the same experience, there's no replacement for the people you actually shared it with day by day, month after month.

My three weeks on the border were refreshing in a strange way, and I felt like it really cleared my head. It brought me back in touch with some of the things that I love and that are a big part of who I am. It left me wondering how to take it all with me and integrate it all into me and my life. On the whole, it was a blessed time.

By the Numbers

2009-07-12T10:25:00.006-05:00

While I was at the shelter the local newspaper published a feature article about exactly the part of town where the shelter is located - one of the poorest zip codes in the United States. The article included this list of statistics:

Estimated population: 15,051.
Number of houses and condos: 4,947.
Number of rented-occupied dwellings: 4,003.
Estimated median house or condo value: $60,529. Median for Texas, $120,900.
Average household size: 2.9 people. Average for Texas: 2.7 people.
Average gross income (2004): $15,179. Average for Texas: $47,881.
Residents living below the federal poverty level: 76.2 percent. Residents in Texas: 16.3 percent.
Percentage of residents who speak English at home: 12.3 percent. Percentage who speak Spanish: 86.3 percent.
Residents with less than ninth-grade education: 59.6 percent.
Percent who have a bachelor's degree or more: 2.2 percent.

ICE & GPS

2009-07-08T16:44:00.000-05:00

I have to go with the obvious pun here: it sounds like it should be a jewelry advertisement. ICE ankle bracelets. Of course ICE here does not mean diamonds and the anklets in question or not decorative. During my visit to the shelter last month two African guys arrived about a week apart. My understanding is that they were both seeking political asylum but were denied. Neither could be deported - in their cases I don't specifically know why. It could be that their citizenship can't be proven, that their country's government refuses to receive any deportees, or possibly that there is not enough government in their country to arrange deportations with. (These guys are from different countries and arrived separately.) This is not a terribly uncommon situation as far as I know - at least I've encountered it various times. Because they cannot be detained indefinitely they were released on their own recognizance. They will have the opportunity to obtain work permission and a social security number so that they can support themselves, but have no official immigration status (no visa, no residency etc., and most likely no way to ever get status). Ostensibly if circumstances ever change so that they can be deported, they will be.

Both men, within a week or so of being released and arriving at the shelter, went to regularly scheduled check-in appointments with ICE (immigration and customs enforcement) and came home with GPS monitoring devices in the form of ankle bracelets. The reasons for this were not really made clear to them. They both told ICE that if there were prohibitions on them traveling, then they would not travel, they would come to their check-in appointments, etc. Sure, it's just their word, but they made good on it at least by showing up for their first appointments. However they were both told that they had no choice.

A bit of internet research on this practice reveals that ICE is using the ankle bracelets as part of a program intended to be an alternative to detention. Notably it has been used to allowed mothers who are picked up by ICE to return to their children while their cases are being processed rather than spend that time in a detention center (as the fathers of the same children do). In that case it is an alternative to detention - as in the woman would otherwise be detained but the use of the ankle bracelet allows her to not be detained. (There are other components to the program as well.) Sounds terribly progressive, but really it's a money saver - it's cheaper then maintaining someone in detention, which costs $95 a day.

When does it stop being a money saver? When it's used on people who would not otherwise be detained as in the case of my African friends at the shelter. Then it's just...? A question mark. Haven't found an explanation yet. I suspect this will be legally challenged by someone. For people who are not criminals and have rightfully been put in liberty it seems like a clear invasion of privacy.

The psychological effects of this are real. It's humiliating and degrading. It amounts to being treated as an animal. While in Texas I had the chance to catch up with a young man who I knew from my time at the shelter. He is a Cuban national of African descent who is having legal difficulties similar to those of the African guys. He had moved to Atlanta and the ICE agents there, in addition to generally being rude and unpleasant to him, gifted him with his own piece of ankle jewelry. He felt so dehumanized by it that at one point he was contemplating suicide. He finally decided to go to the ICE office and refuse to leave until they removed it. The two guys from Africa are doing their best to roll with the punches on this one, but it is obvious that they feel ashamed, frustrated, and angry about the situation. Frankly I feel the same way.

Here is a picture of one of the guys with his face cropped out for privacy. I was not trying to photograph the anklet, but you can see it on his left leg. Those power cords? On is for the stereo, of course. The other one is the charger for his anklet. That is really the kicker to me - people who have the ankle bracelets must plug themselves into an outlet for two to three hours a day to charge it.

Cake on my Face

2009-07-02T15:53:00.008-05:00

What I forgot to do immediately upon arriving in Texas is put my birthday on the calendar so that I would not be scheduled to work. Due to this oversight I was, of course, put on the schedule for the PM shift on my birthday. Oh well. I have worked on my birthday in the past, and it is not the end of the world. I went to a free concert and dinner with some friends the night before and that was my celebration. However there turned out to be plenty of festivities on my birthday was well.

My parents sent a fruit bouquet that got there in the morning. That was fun and delicious and the kids went nuts over it. Shortly after lunch the some of the guests went to work crafting me a b-day cake that ended up being two elaborately decorated cakes. It helped that there was a guy with culinary training around. He had just arrived at the house that day, and I had only been at the house a little over a week. No one would be surprised, and I would not be offended if after such a short acquaintance the guests would not be motivated to make a big deal about my birthday. However, they were motivated, in fact, to make it a really special day. Besides the sheer effort that went into decorating the cakes, they were delicious. After singing me "Las Mananitas" and me blowing out my candles I took the traditional "mordita", or little bite. It is traditional for the birthday boy or girl to take a small bite directly out of the cake before it has been cut - not using a fork or anything, just lean over and take a bite out of the cake. In almost every case someone standing behind you will take the opportunity to shove your whole face into the cake.

After cake there was a dance in the living room, and lots of roaring laughter as lots of unlikely couples took their turn on their dance floor. It was really really fun, and I pretty much forgot that I was working. At least until 10 pm when I had to turn off the music and send everyone to bed, then do the dishes. It was completely worth it though - my most memorable birthday in a while.

Beyond Good Intentions

2009-06-09T12:45:00.003-05:00

I recently stumbled across Beyond Good Intentions. Beyond Good Intentions is a web based program with a series of short videos (by short I mean 5-10 minutes each) on the topic of international aid and development. The host of the show traveled around the world for a year investigating different approaches to aid and development to see "what works and what doesn't." While some of the biases of the makers come across, it's never a case of them saying, "This is approach is right and this approach is wrong." They're not trying to give concrete answers. It's more of an exploration of the topic, but it does a good job of addressing some of the modern approaches to aid and development and what some of the common pitfalls are. Their goal is to encourage dialogue on the topic, centered on the idea that good intentions are not enough.

My career goal in college was to work in international development, but my senior year I became disillusioned with it. Well, to easily enter the field one usually needs a masters degree, and I had at least enough doubts not to want to pursue a masters degree at that juncture. I remember at the time I was determined to continue to study on my own and to explore different aspects of the development debate as well as pay attention to what's going on in the field. I haven't really done a great job, but I'm starting to turn my brain towards it again...

Things to Come

2009-05-29T14:07:00.002-05:00

I was glancing back over my personal journal entries from the last months yesterday. It was pretty amusing, I tell you, to read about my frustrations about being an ENTIRE MONTH post-Texas and still not knowing what my next step was. Funny how one's perspective changes as the months roll on. How you stop planning on living at some future time and just start living. In the meantime I have become content to flow with the river's current instead of trying to push it. (Have you ever tried to push a river?) I have no idea what's going to happen. I've sort of reached a place of expectation, feeling like I'm "on call" for some opportunity that's going to pop up, but without having much sense of what it could be. But I'm open. To whatever. I still check the Chicago sites, but I'm pondering and checking about a million other things, too...

One thing I've been considering is doing some traveling. By that I mean, I have been thinking about doing some traveling at some point in the future after I've made and saved some money - I'd like to say in maybe a year or so, but who knows...could be a long while. Depending on whether you consider my time on the border to be "travel", it's been a while since my last major trip. I've spent a lot of time thinking of the kinds of travel I've done in the past and what they've meant to me and meant in a larger context. I've turned my thoughts towards taking another big trip, but I've been thinking a lot about what KIND of travel - what do I want it to look like this time. How do I have an experience that is responsible and educational but also engaging. I have my old ideas of what makes meaningful travel, but these days I have lots of questions about those ideas. I hope those old ideas and questions will become new ideas and plans. It won't happen soon for financial reasons, so that gives me plenty of time to consider what my goals are and what kind of trip I want to take.

In the meantime there is a little more than a week of school left, and I doubt I will get anymore work this year. I spent some time pondering what I wanted to do this summer - try to find a summer job at a camp or something like that, or get a cooking gig somewhere, or ?? And while I love summer camp and I love working as a cook, both ideas were leaving me flat. Also, you may know that I've been wanting to visit the shelter ever since I left, and a month or two ago that desire was getting pretty intense, and I was missing EVERYTHING about the border. Well, from there it just seemed like a logical conclusion, and on June 10 I will be heading South for the summer, or at least part of it. I really don't know how long I will be able to stay, although probably not as long as I would like. Regardless, I'm really excited to be going and all and grateful to have the opportunity.

Looking forward to:

1. Watching the sun rise from the roof of the shelter
2. Seeing old friends, volunteers/guests/others, and meeting new
3. Hopefully being there when the summer rains start
4. Mass at my favorite church and maybe in the shelter chapel
5. Cheap beer and cheap burritos
6. Musica bajo las estrellas
7. Train watching and perhaps running afoul of the train yard rent-a-cop (hmm, did I ever post about that?)
8. Sitting in the mist of the alligator fountain
9. Re-memorizing large sections of el folleto (the page of info and rules that we give out to new guests)
10. Looking at the mountains daily
11. Day trip to J-town
12. Art museum
13. Sitting in the sala of an evening platicando con quien sea...
14. Shooting hoops in the parking lot...or more likely watching others do so

The list goes on...

Top 2

2009-05-24T16:20:00.001-05:00

Top 2 moments from 2 days in the bilingual 2nd grade:

1. I'm working with a small group doing some flash cards of words they have been working on. One of the words is "oh". I hold it up, the kid reads it, and then I say, "Yes, as in, 'oh my goodness!'" One of the other kids say, "Yes, but our teacher says it's better to just say '¡Ay, albondigas!'" Roughly translated, 'oh meatballs!' I laughed at that, which encouraged all the kids to throw their hands in the air in dismay, slap their hands to their foreheads, and repeat '¡ay albondigas!' in chorus about fifty times.

2. In ESL class we were brainstorming about all the fruits and vegetables we could grow in a garden, and one kid raised his hand and said, "Pie."

Naturally my response was, "¡Ay albondigas!"

In his defense he kind of meant apples.

Eres Luz Que Puede Tocar Este Corazon...

2009-05-17T09:57:00.001-05:00

For the last few months I've been watching the telenovela "Cuidado con el Angel". As you probably know, I swear by novelas as a language learning tool, and Cuidado has helped keep me sharp while I haven't been otherwise using my Spanish too terribly frequently. The plot is incredibly tedious and more than usually unbelievable - not one of the more sophisticated novelas I've seen, but it'll do in a pinch. The main character, Marichuy, was raised in an orphanage until she ran away at the age of fifteen, lived on the streets for a while, and was then adopted by a woman of the barrio. As a result she has an extremely slang-y, "uneducated", way of speaking. I have learned a lot of interesting expressions from Marichuy, so I present you with a small sampling of Mexican Spanish slang a la Cuidado con el Angel:

Pintarse de colores - literally "paint yourself with colors" (or something), means to leave or to get out of here

Naranjas - literally "oranges", Marichuy uses it to mean nothing. No quiero nada contigo becomes No quiero naranjas contigo. (I want nothing to do with you).

Miguelita - mi, that is me. Alejate de mi becomes alejate de miguelita (Get away from me, leave me alone).

Retacharse - return, go back

Canton - big house, like the mansion of Marichuy's rich birthparents she has recently reunited with.

"No quiero naranjas contigo asi que pintate de colores, retachate pa' tu canton, y ¡no te acercas a miguelita!" - Marichuy to Juan Miguel, the love of her life. Repeated over and over and over again.

Resolution

2009-05-08T21:30:00.037-05:00

Being patient and trusting in the midst of life's transitions is a valuable skill. A valuable skill I hope I will one day possess. Honestly I think I've improved by small increments over the last six months, but I'm still far from where I'd like to be in this area. After all, I keep realizing over and over that being impatient and anxious never actually succeeds in making anything happen in my life.

I've been reflecting a lot lately on what seems to me to be the difficulty of being all of what we are. Or at least the difficulty of me being fully 100% all of what I am. There is such a temptation to settle, accept trade offs, and be content with being just a few of the things (but hopefully important ones) that we are. Perhaps this is the societal message we hear. Perhaps we are just held back by the difficulty of reconciling all the things that we are and finding a way to contain them all and be them all.

Almost every day that I can I go for a walk on the trail that is about three blocks from my parents' house. It is old railroad tracks converted into a cement trail that snakes through our town. My walk usually begins or ends at the teeny tiny nature sanctuary I've posted about before. It is, as I may have mentioned, really small. Maybe half a city block, if that. However, there is a creek and lots of birds and animals and unpaved trails, and especially now that there are leaves on the trees again it's enough to make you feel like you're in a wild place. Time after time I find myself back there because, no matter how insignificant or miniscule, being in a wild place makes my heart sing and my soul pray. And just maybe I think a little more clearly there, too.

And sometimes I laugh at myself, too, for being so contented by such a little thing. Don't get me wrong - I think appreciating the little things in life is extremely important. Sometimes, though, when I'm there I think of all the amazing lakes and rivers and mountains and deserts and forests and jungles that are out there in the world - bigger, more wild, more beautiful, accessible and yet unvisited by me. I sit by a tiny creek and watch a sparrow fly from branch to branch. I think, wow, if I love being here, how much more would I love being in somewhere truly wild, that's not half a block from houses and streets.

It's made me realize that I want to be almost everything that I've ever wanted to be, no matter how young I was when I wanted it. There was a point in my life when my dearest wish was to be an explorer of wild places, and even though that dream has lain mostly dormant for a pretty long time I realize that I still want to be that. That is not, however, the only thing I want to be. I still want to be a writer, an artist, and a traveler, too. And yes, I want to be a servant. I don't want to "help the poor", but I do want to get to know them, accompany them, and let them teach me. I want to fight injustices. I want to be all these things.

I have no idea how to be all of these things. I would like to be all of them at once. Part of me thinks that if I can find it within myself to not accept anything less, then I will find away to do it all. If I am willing to accept uncertainty, if I am willing to let go and let myself be carried by the spirit, then somehow I will discover how it all fits together. If I can be patient and courageous, if I can challenge the limits and walls that are around me, somehow, maybe I can do it.

What if it's not possible? What if I can only be one or two or so of those things at the same time? Is it enough to say - I'm laying aside this part of me for now, but I will come back to it. If I can't be everything I want to be all at once, then I will just be everything at intervals without giving anything up for good.

That approach might involve a lot of compromise, yet most of the time I go even farther than that. I have this idea that I have to choose one, maybe two things to focus on and make my life out of and let the rest go. I attach value judgements and decide that certain pursuits are "selfish" and others are "worthy". I seek security instead of fulfillment. Presumably it's irresponsible to do otherwise. Vagabonding and creativity were all well and good when I was just out of high school, debt free and still able to use my parents health insurance. These days it hardly seems reasonable.

For now I'm recommitting to trying for everything. Rather than seeing unreasonable walls and limits I'm going to believe that it's all possible and see a way to make it happen. Rather than assigning value judgements on the things I love I will trust that being the truest most complete version of myself is somehow a virtue. That's not to say that I will just give in to doing whatever I want to do regardless of how it affects myself and others. Rather it is to say that I will stop trying deny the longings that God has placed in my heart and instead open myself up to understanding what they mean and how they all fit together. I can't say I have any plans right now - I have ideas, but also a sense that anything could happen. I'm trying to just let go and let things happen, even if it seems like they don't.

For The Birds

2009-05-02T12:44:00.005-05:00

Here are the goldfinches, with a cardinal looking on from the tray feeder on the right:

Red headed woodpecker:

A Rose-breasted grosbeak (and a mourning dove):

Exploring the Border

2009-04-26T08:59:00.002-05:00

Have I told you guys about Border Explorer? If you pay attention to my measly list of links in the sidebar, you may have already hopped over to check out her blog. Billie and I met at the shelter, and I love her blog because besides giving me a way to keep up on what she is doing, it also provides lots of information about the border. I have never been a "news" kind of person, so I am sorry to say that since leaving the border I have been kind of in the dark about a lot of what has been going on down there. Billie helps me stay more up to date, and the best part is that a lot of the information comes first hand, since for part of every year she is actually down on the border witnessing a lot of what is going on. Anyway, her blog is well worth checking out - and I am NOT just saying this because today she gave me a very touching award on her blog. That was a verrrry nice touch, but Border Explorer stands on its own merit. Check it out!

News Flash!

2009-04-22T20:19:00.009-05:00

It's National Poetry Month! And has been for 24 days. Oops. I was thinking about blogging this way back in MARCH and somehow I STILL dropped the ball. Well I hope you have all been happily enjoying the festivities without waiting for me to inform you of it. I sincerely hope.

If you DO need help getting into the spirit, check out the Free Verse group on flickr.

Also, next Thursday (the 30th) is National Poem in your Pocket Day, and it is not too late to participate and take a lot of people with you.*

You've got six more days...get out there and poetry it up.

*Blog etiquette requires that I tip my hat to my parents who brought the above links to my attention.

Having a Great Day At Steak 'n Shake

2009-04-20T10:03:00.005-05:00

One of my friends recently posted a link on facebook to this Roger Ebert Journal entry about Steak 'n Shake.

SnS certainly does have a lasting impact on people (and apparently has been a hot topic of late!). Trust me. I grew up in Normal Illinois, birthplace of the franchise. My parents came from Michigan before Michigan was a Steak 'n Shake state. They did not take us to SnS when we were growing up. In fact, I'm not sure if I've ever tasted a steakburger as I'm not sure I had the opportunity before I went veg at 14. Nevertheless, Steak 'n Shake had a major impact on me, and at one point I was as immersed in Steak 'n Shake culture as most people can boast of being. I worked at Steak 'n Shake for three or four years in high school and during my two year gap between high school and college. I started out as the drive thru girl, then moved into the position that Ebert refers to as "sous-chef in charge of condiments." I was made a trainer after about a year and got to make the schedule and have a modicum of authority. Becoming a trainer involved going to Steak 'n Shake classes where I learned all the ins and outs of the restaurant. I knew every detail of the menu, could recite the mission statement, as well as retell the Steak 'n Shake history in quite a bit of detail. It was a big part of my life for an extended period of time. Bow tie and all. I made some good friends there, some of which are still good friends eight years later. And despite plenty of stress and occasionally tears, it really was fun. We were really goofy and somehow we were allowed to be. We put up handmade decorations and made milkshakes with everything in the store - cheese sauce, ketchup, mayo, even bacon. No one would try that one. We discovered the answers to such questions as, "Why do we slice our pickles the long way?"

It's strange, but when I am out of the country, or even just out of Steak 'n Shake territory like I was on the border, one of the first foods I start to crave is Steak 'n Shake cheese fries. A strawberry milkshake with real ice cream and real strawberries is the perfect accompaniment. (The shakes are usually made with shake base, which IS real ice cream, but without any flavoring added.) To this day I believe there is only one "right" way to put the condiments on a burger - ketchup, mustard, pickles, onion on top and lettuce, tomato, mayo on bottom. Unless it's a cheese burger, in which case everything goes on the bottom. At another restaurant the other day I had a veggie burger that had ALL the condiments, including lettuce, tomato, and mayo, on the top of the burger. I didn't redistribute the condiments on my veggie burger, but nonetheless it didn't feel right to me. In small but subtle ways SnS has marked me for life. I'm not sorry.

Call It What You Will

2009-04-17T11:33:00.001-05:00

Spring Break and Cleaning

2009-04-09T13:25:00.004-05:00

I'm really sad to be on spring break and not be happy about it! But alas, I haven't been working enough to be glad to have a break, and for a sub a week of no work means a week of no pay. It has been fascinating to watch my savings account tick upwards at an infinitesimally slow rate since I started subbing. Well, maybe the sheer fascination is starting to wear off and be replaced with something more like frustration... Waking up to snow yesterday did not help my feelings towards this spring break, but today the snow has melted and the spring sun is shining brightly, so I'm feeling a little better about it. Regardless of how else I feel about it, I promise I am trying to make the best of a week off by being extremely lazy.

I am trying to do some spring cleaning, but that last sentence might give you a sense of how well it's going. I'm trying to capitalize on a feeling of spring time restlessness to encourage my pack rat self to get rid of stuff, to reduce, to simplify. I've filled two bags of clothes to donate. Some of it was previously in the donation bag, but then I took it back out before actually donating it. Maybe this time I can actually let it go. I am easily distracted.

It is nearly six months since I left Texas. I hate to even say that out loud. However, not wanting to admit it sadly does not change it. Even in good economic times, a professional job search could easily take six months to a year, and given the current state of affairs six months is probably nothing at all. It occurs to me that if finding a job in Chicago is going to take me like a year, then I really need to be committed to that course of action. I'm taking this time to reconsider all the options and see if this particular job search still makes the most sense to me as a course of action. Stay tuned.

Turning the Corner

2009-03-15T18:32:00.004-05:00

What was the outcome of the little kids vs. Libby, in the battle of exhaustion vs. cuteness? I'm calling it...a draw. The class I was subbing in is split k/1st, which means that I taught kindergarten in the morning and first grade in the afternoon. The mornings were all cuteness! The afternoons were all exhaustion. While I like the first graders, you know, as individuals, as a group they were reallllly tough to handle. But I made it through and no doubt it made me stronger. Plus I get paid for it.

The best part of the week was the shift into Spring weather! Yes, I will not be surprised if there are one or two (or even three) additional cold snaps before summer, but I think we've basically turned the corner...

The only flowers in my parents yard so far are snow drops, although I did spy one crocus on my walk today.

These guys are one of my favorite signs of springs. I'm not sure why. They (or their brethren) regularly find their way to a yard located along the trail I walk on that regularly floods this time of year.

Plus there have been confirmed sightings of individual robins worm hunting in yards. The flock of robins I saw all winter has disbanded. The worm moon has shone.

On Prayer

2009-03-08T13:00:00.003-05:00

Fetching water from a spring:

"The spring's water bubbled up, full of a life of its own. I would place the bucket under its flow and stand back. No need for more than that. The water did the rest. It took a few minutes for the bucket to fill up, a few minutes of simply watching and waiting. It felt like a prayer, simply bringing my empty bucket to the source of life and asking for it to be filled."

--Margaret Silf, Inner Compass

___________________________________________________________

I could not move against this wind if I did not pray.
And all that is said of me that is untrue
would make lame my gait if I
could not free myself from
the weight of other's
malice.

I could not move against all His light
if I did not
pray.

See how things become: what a change
can happen, when we find a way
to keep Him
close.

-Rabia al-Basri

¿Como te llamas?

2009-02-28T20:34:00.007-06:00

This is my name in Spanish. It's actually my 'real' name in English, too. When studying in Mexico and when working with Spanish speakers I've opted to go by the long name because it's more familiar in Spanish and involves less repetition and explanation when I introduce myself.

I felt like I got really busy after my job interview the other week. I don't think I did, exactly; I think it had more to do with being stressed out because I didn't know what to think about the job. The interview went smoothly, but gave me an awful lot to think about. Haven't heard back from them.

I also felt busy b/c the weekend after the job interview I went back to Chicago just to visit and didn't sleep much. I didn't do anything very exciting or city-related, but it was still an awesome weekend because I got to just chill with some awesome girl friends. One friend was having an Oscar themed birthday party, and I pulled my 70's prom dress out of storage to serve as my red carpet dress. I got the dress at a thrift store in high school and wore it for halloween a couple of times, once when I was working at Steak 'n Shake. After its appearance as red carpet dress I think I'm finally ready to send it back to the thrift store so it can become someone else's costume.

I wrapped up my two weeks subbing for the ESL teacher, then I'm back in the bilingual k/1st room starting Wednesday. The younger kids are, of course, cuter, but they're also more exhausting. Do the two factors cancel out? I'll keep you posted.

Vegan Fridays

2009-02-27T14:12:00.003-06:00

I have been a vegetarian for 12 years, so for 12 or so lents meatless Fridays have been a total write-off for me. I'm not sure if it ever occurred to me that I should be doing some other Friday sacrifice instead. Well, I'm sure it has occurred to me, but I don't think I've ever really done anything, at least not consistently. This year I'm going to try to do vegan Fridays. I'm not even shooting for the strictest veganism possible - I probably won't read labels too much. My intention is simply to avoid eating and drinking things that I obviously know aren't vegan - milk, cheese, yogurt, eggs, butter, etc. This morning I messed up almost instantaneously, since the first thing I do pretty much every morning is make a cup of tea with milk and sugar. I didn't remember the whole vegan Fridays thing until that cup of tea was long gone. But for the rest of the day I'm doing okay so far. Being vegan isn't hard if you are vegan - which is to say if you grocery shop as a vegan so the things you have in your house are vegan. Being a vegan one day a week will be slightly more of a challenge, but we'll make it happen.

JETS

2009-02-27T10:13:00.002-06:00

Check this out! My cousin Madalyn participated in a national engineering competition with a JETS team from her high school, and they won! Awesome.

Happenings

2009-02-15T10:10:00.002-06:00

I am in the midst of two weeks of subbing for the ESL teacher. I have been enjoying it. The ESL teacher works with each grade level of English language learners for about 45 minutes a day, some longer, some shorter. She doesn't have her own class, and that is somehow easier. No matter how troublesome one group of kids might be (and most of them aren't), at least you only have them for a short time. Only two of the six sections I teach present any kind of difficulty in terms of behavior.

This is a three day weekend, but it turned into a four day weekend for me. I have a job interview in Chicago on Tuesday. I am trying to get ready for that, and came down with a bug in the meantime. Probably just a cold, but I am feeling pretty run down. The interview is for a job at a children's center Before I knew about the interview I had already planned a trip to Chicago for next weekend, and since I already have the tickets and it's a friend's birthday party I will probably still go. We enjoyed spring-like weather last week. Now it is cold again, but it does give a person hope somehow.

Hollis Brown?

2009-01-28T08:28:00.004-06:00

I got a chill when I read this article this morning about a man who killed his wife, his five children, and himself after losing his job.

I instantly thought of this. (If you prefer the lyrics are here.)

Where Did You Learn Spanish?

2009-01-21T21:39:00.007-06:00

I get asked this a lot, but in reality it's hard to give a precise answer. I think I most commonly answer that I spent a semester in Mexico, which is certainly true. But it's also true that I was already fairly conversant before I arrived in Mexico, and that my vocabulary and fluency have greatly increased since being in Mexico.

I took a total of four semesters of college Spanish, including the Spanish class I took in Mexico, and that was the extent of my academic education in Spanish. Clearly I learned way more outside the classroom than in. I mostly learned Spanish from talking to people. First of all, my co-workers at the restaurant I worked at in college. They were the people who made me want to learn spanish in the first place, because I was so fascinated by their lives and wanted to try to make sense of the world they came from. When I started working there I did not speak enough Spanish to even answer the question ¿como estas? But the people I worked with were endlessly patient and taught me a lot.

I took my first actual Spanish class the second semester of my sophomore year. I had to take a placement test, and between good test taking skills, my background in French, and the two weeks I'd spent studying a grammar book, I tested into third semester Spanish. I went to one day of that and realized I was in helplessly over my head, so I dropped down to second semester Spanish.

That summer I made my first visit to the border and interned for the summer at the shelter I've just returned from. That summer I was in the shelter for long-term guests, which really helped me because there were more people there who spoke some English and could help me through communication emergencies. There were still a lot of funny Spanish related moments, though. There was also a guy living there at the time who had badly broken his leg trying to train hop. He was almost always confined to his chair, and was really bored. He was always willing to puzzle through conversations with me while I tried to practice, practice, practice. Moments and people like that helped me immeasurably.

That summer helped me jump into the realm of being able to converse in Spanish. At that point I was at a very basic level, but I could communicate. My experience that summer also made me decide to study abroad in Mexico. My time in Mexico was definitely a major boost to my language skills in all the predictable ways. However, I would definitely say that the jobs I've had since returning that gave me the opportunity to work with Spanish speakers, most especially at the shelter, have elevated my Spanish far beyond what it was when leaving Mexico. That's the thing, it's a gradual process. The important thing is to never stop working on it...poco a poquito.

My co-workers at the shelter were sometimes impressed by my knowledge of slang, idioms, and expressions. For this I can thank telenovelas (Spanish soap operas). I have become a faithful watcher of telenovelas even though the stories sometimes make my head ache. However, being faithful to this exercise has dramatically increased my listening comprehension, as well as helped my pick up on the simple flow of "how people talk" (in so far as novelas accurately portray that!).

My advice to anyone who are really motivated to learn a language, besides find people to practice with and practice, practice, practice, is find someway to expose yourself to that language no matter what. Whether that means setting your default language on your computer to that language, buying books (or reading blogs) in that language, listening to songs, watching movies, whatever - just find someway to expose yourself to it no matter what else is going on in your language learning life. Those little bits of exposure add up over time.

I would feel this post was kind of disingenuous if I didn't add that I think I have somewhat of a natural faculty for learning languages. Not to the extreme extent that some people do, but it's definitely something that comes fairly easily to me. And we all know it helps if you start young. However, I think most people can learn a second language, at least to some extent, if they are motivated to. You certainly don't have to be fluent to benefit from studying a language. As a bulletin board in my high school French classroom said, "The sum of the world's knowledge is not contained in any one language."

On Being A Janeite

2009-01-16T12:51:00.005-06:00

I finished re-reading Emma by Jane Austen yesterday. I have now read or re-read five of Austen's six novels since returning to Illinois in October. In fact, I started Persuasion on my flight home. I don't really feel the need to re-read Mansfield Park at this time. Maybe I will someday, but I remember it as the slowest and least exciting of Austen's books. So now what? Perhaps I will head to the bookstore for a copy of her unfinished works - not that reading unfinished books appeals to me, but perhaps it is the necessary next step. Otherwise, I'm basically ready to start over with Persuasion and read nothing but Jane Austen in an endless loop for the rest of my life. What does that say about me?

OK, I am probably not going to do that, but nothing else really appeals to me to read right now. I need a library card. Maybe if the temperature gets above zero degrees this afternoon I will go get one.

4th in the 4th

2009-01-15T10:06:00.005-06:00

I was tagged by the Pham to do this thing where you post the 4th photo from your 4th picture folder and explain. Since I don't have a computer and most of my photos only live on flickr, I decided to treat each album on flickr as a folder.

This is the fence at the U.S./Mexico border on the U.S. side. At this particular point the border is marked by the Rio Grande, but most of the Rio Grande is actually flowing through a canal. So from the USA it goes fence, canal, river, fence, Mexico. The river itself is not very imposing, but the canal is very dangerous to anyone who would try to cross it, because it has a strong current and has slippery cement sides that are hard to climb out of. Hence the sign that says "Dangerous currents do not enter!" As I said, this is on the U.S. side, so I guess it's for all the people in the States who want to "cross without inspection"* into Mexico. Or maybe just for swimmers?

*Technical name for crossing the border between ports of entry, aka crossing illegally.

Just Call Me "Teacher"

2009-01-10T13:01:00.010-06:00

I started substitute teaching last month, grades K-5. I think I mentioned that I was pursuing this, so perhaps you are wondering what became of it. In reality I've only done about ten sub days, since I started just a couple weeks before Christmas break. I've since spent a fair amount of time thinking about why people might choose to work as a substitute teacher. To me the most appealing thing about it is that it is so flexible. I can control when I work, so if I ever need a day free for a job interview (maybe someday) or anything like that I should never have a problem. I can control how much I work, so if I need to spend a few days working on cover letters (maybe someday) I can do that. It's completely temporary, so if (or when?) I get a permanent job I won't have to worry about giving notice and should be able to start almost immediately. So yeah, these are all good things.

I kind of like substitute teaching (kind of), but besides the above mentioned flexibility it doesn't have that much to recommend it. Some of the stereotypical ideas about substitute teaching come into play - kids test boundaries, are hard to control, and don't behave like the little angels they usually are with their classroom teacher. A lot of discipline and, dare I say it, yelling has to go on to keep things in some semblance of order, and that can be frustrating. You have to deal with the trauma that results from you not following the classroom routine to the letter and sometimes doing things slightly differently than Mrs. So-and-so. You constantly have to think on your feet - interpreting the lesson plans, finding the necessary materials, completing lessons within the allotted time, and doing it all without long pauses while you read the plan book and scratch your head, because if you do that chaos will most likely erupt in the meantime. And the list goes on. Plus, being in the same room over a period of time might not be as bad, but usually you're starting over again in a new room everyday and quickly learning a new set of names and a new routine, etc.

But I kind of like it, too. Because little kids are fun and they say funny things and give you hugs and draw you pictures. And the days go by quickly. And like I said, it's really flexible, sooooo...

I've been hoping that subbing was a very temporary thing for me, but if you hadn't guessed the job search is rather uneventful. Or so far it's pretty much a non-event. I usually read about a hundred job postings and check tens of websites daily, but it has not born any fruit as yet. Of course I'm not giving up. But you know.

Hey Everyone, It's 2009!

2009-01-03T10:41:00.004-06:00

I was just itching to post something so that I could start the 2009 column in the blog archive on your right. Somehow this got me thinking that next month I will have my "anniversary" and enter my FOURTH year of blogging. Except that then I thought about it harder and realized that in reality it is my fourth anniversary and I will be entering my FIFTH year of blogging. CrAzY.

I had an unspoken goal in '08 of posting more times than I did in '07. '07 was a pretty slow year on Rejoice Always. 2005, the first year, was a banner year in posting because it was the year I was in Mexico. My ostensible purpose in starting the blog was to keep the friends and fam updated about my goings-on in Mexico, and I usually posted something Mon.-Fri. for the time was there. It was part of my routine.

I guess the ostensible purpose of my blog is still to keep people updated about my goings-on, but it is also largely for my own amusement. I realize this. One thing I have learned in four years that it is quite often the times when your life is most full of goings-on that you are least able or inclined to document them. Because you have other stuff on your mind and not tons of time on your hands etc. So will see what the 2009 year in blogging looks like.

So Long 2008

2008-12-31T12:53:00.004-06:00

I just spent like maybe 30-45 minutes crawling around my parents attic looking into boxes. Crawling b/c it's really a crawl space and not an attic. I think I should make a new year's resolution to reduce my boxes of memorabilia and ephemera, photo albums and notebooks from 8-10 to under 5. I mean yes, I am sure that future generations will be WILD to know about my life, and I have done a truly excellent job of documenting every minute of it, especially through high school graduation. But future generations might have to cede certain things. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is.

Hmmm if only I knew what future generations were going to be most interested in. My writings? My theatre career? My photography? My travels? Future generations, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Actually, future generations, you've probably still got time before I actually get around to sorting through it.

A year ago today I was heading from TX to IL for my first 7-day break. I had plans to spend NYE with friends in Chicago, but in the end I was sick, so I just had a late lunch with them and took the bus to my parents house. The bus was delayed due to weather and I was so sick and miserable. I went to bed at around 10 pm and spent most of that vacation in bed. Great times! My plans this year are for pretty low key time with friends, and my only really hope is to stay healthy enough to enjoy it. I've never been much of a NYE reveller... when I worked in restaurants I ALWAYS worked New Year's Eve. So I'm usually pretty happy to settle for anything more than nothing.

Despite starting out on that inauspicious note, 2008 was a great year. My time at the shelter was such a blessing and gift, and the year was filled with awesome relationships and experiences.

Happy New Year! Toast to the adventures that await us in 2009.

Tropical Heat Wave

2008-12-27T22:28:00.002-06:00

I know I am too far removed from shelter life when trying to eat a lot of ripe delicious pears before they go bad seems more like a chore than a treat.

Today it was 60 degrees - two days after Christmas in central Illinois. It's been a meteorologically interesting winter so far. Sadly it rained all day so I wasn't able to get out and enjoy it. Supposed to freeze up again tonight.

Still Life with Illini Shirt and Cold Carrots

2008-12-19T10:29:00.001-06:00

As the Snow Falls...

2008-12-16T11:51:00.003-06:00

At the nature sanctuary last week I saw a flock of robins. Since seeing a robin is associated with the coming of spring, I guess I always assumed that they were migratory. In fact, apparently robins often winter over (over winter?) in many areas where they live, depending on how bad the winters are. They rely on different food sources during the winter (different than the worms and bugs they are usually hunting on your lawn), travel in flocks, and move around a lot so you might not see them as much or at all. When the flocks break up into isolated pairs and show up worm hunting on your lawn again then it is time for spring. A flock of robins perched quietly in the bare branches over hidden creek is a pretty striking sight. I hope they don't move around so much that I don't get to see them again.

A Few of My Favorite Things

2008-12-12T09:38:00.003-06:00

OK, as promised here is another cell phone video, in which we discuss our favorite thing about a-house in ten words or less. Theoretically ten words or less, that is. Charles went way over.

To sum up our favorite things:

Charles - driving the buggy.
Heidi - refused to participate.
Mike - himself.