Pieces of the Whole

“What did I, out of all of this, want for myself? I couldn't have told you. My brother Simon wasn't much my senior, and he and others at our age already had got the idea there was a life to lead and had chosen their directions, while I was circling yet. I know I longed very much, but I didn't understand what for.” -Saul Bellows, "The Adventures of Augie March"

The summer after my freshman year in college I went to Haiti. After six years of studying French, I had enough of a grasp of the language to be able to make small talk with local high school students and serve as interpreter for the girls I was traveling with. Being able to speak French really enhanced the experience for me, and I remember feeling like six years of French class had all lead up to this, that maybe I had learned French for this exact purpose. And I was very grateful that I had - even if my French was only for that, it was worth it.

The following fall the French semester class I wanted to take was full, and the following Spring I took my first Spanish class. Neglected and unused, I fairly rapidly forgot most of the French I'd ever known – I can still summons a bit, but very very little. All facts which support the conclusion that, without ever knowing it, I did study French for six years with a specific end in mind.

It's helpful to me now to reflect on that and be reminded that I don't know where my life is going, and I don't know what the different parts are going to add up to, or towards what they're leading me.

See, at this point I've accepted and made my peace with the fact that I may never know what I'm going to do with my life, because there may not be one main thing, one career, one purpose this is all tending to. There might be, after all, but there might not. Not everyone has a career, I suppose, and not everyone's life's work takes the form of one main kind or body of work. I may be one of those people. My life may be more or mostly a string of experiences that aren't leading up to one final “oh I get it now” kind of thing.

And if that's the case, I'm okay with it. I did feel such a compulsion after college to “figure things out”, and it was hard for me to accept that I might have to try some different things out for a few years before I finally hit on what I wanted to do. Once I accepted that, though, I still thought that after an interval of five or so years I would eventually hit on that “one thing” that I was going to do.

Now that it's been five years, I'm realizing it might take a lot longer to figure out. Or I might not ever "figure it out". And that's okay, too.

It could all be more like learning French.

We'll see!